


Addict With a Lover

by novhaks



Category: Twenty One Pilots, twentyonepilots
Genre: Alcohol, Anxiety, F/F, F/M, Gay, Gay Sex, High School AU, Homophobia, M/M, Partying, Self-Harm, Smut, Violence, sin - Freeform, teen drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 09:10:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 29,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7568455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/novhaks/pseuds/novhaks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler has panic attacks.<br/>Josh is a new student.<br/>Tyler is depressed.<br/>Josh made out with Ashley Frangipane.<br/>Tyler turns to song writing to escape.<br/>Josh teaches himself how to play the drums.<br/>Tyler and Josh meet.<br/>What could go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Two words: Sneak Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg wow hey first chapter! I hope this story is pretty intriguing so far. I'm not sure what the future plans will be but I'm pretty excited to start this story. I probably won't be posting warnings at the beginning of chapters so read at your own risk. Love you guys :))

Tyler sat at on his bed with his piano keyboard in front of him, experimenting different chords on the squeaky clean keys, humming to himself. He had a small leather notebook spread open next to him, trying to place chords with the correct beat to his lyrics. This whole music "phase" he had going on actually took a lot of energy out of him. But nonetheless, he enjoyed it anyway.

He was about to scribble out a lyric and replace it with something new when his phone buzzed on his bedside table. Dropping his pen, he quickly looked at the incoming text.

Hayley: have u made ur decision yet? Pete and I gave you a good two weeks, dude

Tyler sighed, cradling his phone in his hands, debating what he should say. It was a Thursday night and tomorrow would be the annual end of summer party the seniors threw since they were graduating. No underclassmen were invited.   
Every time somebody brought up the party to him, Tyler caved in on himself. The thought of a party caused immense panic within himself.

Tyler was not a party person on any level possible. In fact, he was introverted and extremely awkward. The last party he went to was in his sophomore year and he was texting his mom the whole time. The thought of an extreme party such as this one, made his stomach fold in on itself.  
  
And it wasn't just the thought of alcohol and potential drugs that made his heart skip, it was the fact that there was going to be so many people.

Tyler glanced at the anxiety medication on his bedside table and rolled his eyes. He was almost eighteen and he feared social interactions. How pathetic could you get? But nonetheless, he thought it would be best to stay away from the party. He also didn't have to feel guilty about lying to his parents.

Tyler: idk. It's not my kind of thing, you guys know that. My ma would kill me if she found out

He sent the text. He didn't even have to shut his phone off to see that Hayley was already typing. The girl was addicted to her phone while Tyler just used it for communication.

And no later than a minute, his phone dinged once more.

Hayley: who cares!! If u don't go, you'll regret it and miss out. I know u, Tyler. U can handle this. Pete and I will be by ur side the whole time. And who gives a flying fuck about ur parents. Ur almost 18. Time to live a little

Tyler groaned at her text. He knew Hayley was right and she was extremely talented when it came to persuasion. He had no clue how he managed to become friends with Hayley. She was this cool and enthusiastic chick with fiery red hair and a really strange sense of fashion. But yet people liked her. People wanted her attention.

Tyler: screw you and your damn persuasion. I'm still not happy about this and I'll probably regret it. But I'll spend it with you and Pete knowing that I'll probably never talk to you jerks again when this thing is over and I'm dead in the water or something lol

He shut his phone off again and left it in his room to go downstairs and lie straight through his teeth to his mom and dad.

"Hey, mom." Tyler asked shyly, watching his mother mix something on the stove. She turned around and looked at her son.

"Yeah?" Tyler's throat grew dry for a second. Lying wasn't too difficult for him but this was major. Tyler never really got out much in his lifetime but maybe this would be part of his whole inner rebellious teen stage. The kid would never hurt a fly but maybe tonight would be different.

"Hayley and Pete wanna hang out with me tomorrow night. Is that okay?" He said. It wasn't totally a lie but he wasn't revealing the whole truth either.

"Where?" She said, her voice light as she distracted herself by stirring whatever was in the pan in front of her again. Tyler looked around the kitchen, fidgeting on his feet.

"Just the park. We'll probably drive around and stuff." Tyler muttered, barely elaborating.

"Nah, he just wants to go to that party for school." He heard a voice interject. Tyler's face turned completely red, he snapped his gaze towards his brother who was eating a bowl of cereal with milk dribbling down his chin. Tyler almost shook with fury. But at the same time, he was relieved because maybe he would have a logical reason not to go.

He heard his mother set down her spatula rather roughly on the counter, she turned around, placing her hands on her hips. With her mouth in a thin line she stared him down, "What party?" She asked with a sharpness to her voice.

Tyler's heart began to race. Not only did his annoying little brother out him, Tyler got caught in a lie. Which meant his father was probably going to punish him. Lying was a sin and since the Joseph's were a religious family, this sort of rebellion hurt more than an actual slap to the face.

"I-it's J-just," Tyler began, clasping his hands behind his back and rocking on his feet. His anxiousness was even present around his own family. But Zack opened up his big mouth once more, "Every year, the seniors throw this huge party where the whole graduating class gathers at someone's house and just get super drunk and try new drugs." Tyler's eyes bulged out of his head. Zack was so nonchalant about it as he ate his bowl of cereal.

His mother scoffed, placing her hands on her hips. She looked at Zack with disapproval, same with Tyler. Her stare was burning holes into his skin and he suddenly felt sticky in his t-shirt.

"Absolutely not, Tyler Joseph. I remember the last party I let you go to and I didn't like it. Not one little bit. And you lied to me so now it's an automatic no." She said calmly, turning back to the stove.

He was going to argue but he deemed it useless. He was sort of relieved but also pretty pissed. He turned towards Zack and scowled at him, tempted to pour his bowl of cereal over his stupid head. Tyler was about to turn around and lock himself in his room once more when his mom spoke again.

"Oh, and Tyler. Since you lied to me, you can be a good boy and take out the trash for me in the bathroom. Your father won't hear about this if you do as I say." She said in a sing-song tone. Tyler knew she was kidding and was going to tell his father anyway but he obliged and tramped upstairs, sighing.

As much as he was relieved to not have to go to this potentially dangerous party, the more he felt utterly crappy for being such a coward. It was just a dumb high school party. He should be excited to go. But unfortunately in Tyler's case, anxiety always got the best of him.

He threw the trash in the garbage outside and went back into his room, looking at his phone. He had a missed text from Hayley. She was basically encouraging him for lying to his parents. But now she was going to be the one discouraged.

Tyler: so, bad news. Mom said no. My idiot of a brother ratted me out so no party for me

Hayley: how do I know ur not lying? I know how u feel about these things, Tyler but it's just a dumb party!! Please tell me ur lying

Tyler: no I'm not. Zack ratted me out. I don't even know how that scum bag knew. Who cares. Tell Pete I'm out, sorry to get your hopes up

Hayley: fuck ur brother. Little douche bag :/ I have another solution, bro

Tyler sighed to himself, sitting criss cross on his bed and placing his chin in the palm of his hand.

Hayley: 2 words: sneak out

Tyler's heart almost leapt from his chest. Sneak out?

The very thought made his fingertips tingle. Tyler was not one to sneak out. Like ever. He was a good kid who kept to himself. He had no desire to get into trouble. And as much as he loved Hayley and considered her one of his closest (and sometimes only) friend, he wouldn't do this for her.

Tyler: are you fricking insane?! My parents would skin me alive!! And Zack would rat me out again too

Hayley: insane is my middle name. Do it. Trust me, it'll all go over smoothly. The party doesn't start till like 9 and ur parents are such goody two shoes they'll be asleep in no time. And plus they trust u and I know ur bedroom is farthest away. I'll convince ur little bro. Give me his number

And so Tyler did.

Zack came into Tyler's room a couple minutes later with his face as white as snow.

"I'll cover for you." Was all he said and walked back out looking terrified. Tyler just sat there with his lips parted in confusion. And no later than ten seconds later, Hayley texted.

Hayley: see. Told u I'd convince him. Pete and I will be parked down the block tomorrow night. If u don't come out, I'm comin in. I'm very charming. Don't test me, Joseph.

Tyler sighed. He had no choice now. Whatever Hayley said to Zack over text got him to be on his brother's side for once. Tyler couldn't ditch now. It was time for him to get out and he wasn't sure if he was ready.

Tyler: sometimes I really hate you. Who's even hosting this party anyway?

Hayley: Brendon Urie. And I know what ur gonna say. I know he's rich a popular and all his douche friends will be there but so will other people. Even people you wouldn't expect.

Tyler: like me?

Hayley: ;)

Tyler: whatever. You better not leave my side. I'm already nervous enough.

And so Tyler shut his phone off once again. His mom called him for dinner and Zack looked a little less ill when the family came together to eat. Tyler's father gave him a major stare down and Tyler knew he had to be on his best behavior if he had a chance of sneaking out of his house tomorrow night.

And while he dried off the dishes and made his way back upstairs, it really hit him. He was really sneaking out. His heart leapt with excitement that night as he lay in bed playing scenarios in his head about what could happen at the party. He promised himself he would not touch a drop of alcohol. He knew he had to watch Hayley and most likely would have to be the designated driver.

But Tyler breathed out, closing his eyes and fantasizing about the cool air when he would jump from his window tomorrow to attend this stupid party.


	2. One hour!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg aw thank you to those of you who left a comment I'm thankful!

Tyler awoke the next morning with his heart pounding with incredible pain. But he was used to it by now. Each morning, he woke up scared and his zooming heart rate did nothing to comfort him.

But nonetheless, he rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand and stretched. His curtains were closed and his leather notebook sat on the table next to his bed with his medication on top.

He got up and went to use the bathroom. Him and his mom were always the first to wake up except his mom and dad were actually at work by now since it was still a weekday.

It was August and school would be coming up soon. Almost everyone in his grade was 17 by now while his birthday wasn't till December. But he didn't mind. He liked having his birthday in the winter time.

He came back into his room and put his anxiety medication in the drawer of the nightstand. He's been neglecting his meds for about three days now. He knew he would be scolded but he just felt so weak taking pills that were supposed to elevate his nerves. But not even his medication could take away the nerves that were going to pile up on him when the party rolled around.

This party has been planned from the moment school ended in June. Brendon was the first to claim the party to be at his disgustingly huge mansion. Tyler didn't really like Brendon and Brendon probably didn't care about his existence.

Hayley got along with everyone. Brendon included. Tyler had a sinking feeling that he was mostly going to be with Pete for the rest of the night. Not that that was a problem he just felt uneasy.

Tyler picked up his phone and looked at some missed texts. One was from his father, telling him that he forgave him for lying but he would have to shoot double hoops today. Tyler groaned. As much as basketball was a huge aspect to the Joseph family, sometime Tyler got sick of it. He was very good at the sport but his interest for music peaked when he first decided to dig into his mind for lyrics. But he knew he had to obey.

His father was the high school basketball coach. And even if school was out, his mother and father, both school workers, had to go to meetings and whatever else teachers had to do throughout the summer.

So now he sat home and babysat his six year old brother and eleven year old sister. Zack claimed he didn't need to be watched and Tyler was thankful because Zack could be a real dip crap at times.

Sometimes Tyler wondered if Zack was the rebellious teen of the family. He was the most sneaky after all. Tyler, unfortunately, had to endure most of the punishment since he was the oldest and would be leaving home soon. It sucked that he got in trouble for everything but sometimes Zack got what was coming to him as well.

Tyler went into the kitchen to find Zack, once again, eating a bowl of cereal and staring at his phone. Tyler almost snickered, thinking back to last night when Zack looked horrified when he came into his room. Tyler breathed in, opening his mouth to speak but Zack interjected first, "Don't." He said with distress.

"What happened? What did Hayley say to you?" Tyler asked, his voice laced with enthusiasm. Zack just shoved another bite of cereal into his mouth, "Don't wanna talk about it." He mumbled between chews. Tyler sighed and turned on his heel, checking on his two other siblings who were watching tv in the living room.

Tyler ran back upstairs, sitting in his room once more. He leaned his head against the wall, staring down at his lap. So far, his summer was pretty much uneventful. Sure he saw family and went on small vacations but he didn't do much with his friends since he didn't have very many.

Hayley was his closest friend but she had a large abundance of other friends too. And Pete was a good friend as well but he was closer to Hayley than Tyler. There was also Ashley but her personality was a little too bright for Tyler. He sighed at how lame his life was.

Awkward homeschooled kid who suffered major anxiety and a hint of depression. Tyler wasn't sure why he felt so down and irritable twenty four seven. He just never felt worthy of life and questioned his existence, putting himself down every chance he could. But today, he wasn't going to let the dark parts win this time. He was going to conquer this stupid high school party and try and have some sort of fun.

Tyler picked up his keyboard from underneath his bed and played quietly, still trying to figure out what chords would work with his "song". He looked at the messy lyrics scribbled in lazy handwriting,

"I start to part two halves of my heart in the dark and I don't know where I should go and the tears and the fears begin to multiply. Taking time in a simple place in my bed where my head rests on the pillowcase." And that's all Tyler felt like reading through right now. It was just senseless rhyming to him but the context of the words is what was really portrayed.

His phone buzzed again and it was Hayley.

Hayley: so here's the deal: when u kiss ur parents goodnight and they go to bed and shit, ur gonna make sure everyone is asleep. And then ur gonna open ur window and fall onto ur front lawn as quietly as possible. Ur a skinny kid so don't screw it up. Zack is gonna be alert the whole night so if by any chance, someone wakes up, that lil douche bag is gonna hop into ur bed. Got it?

Tyler was insanely overwhelmed. But nonetheless, he began to text back.

Tyler: yeah yeah whatever. I better not break a limb. Now quit texting me about it or else I may change my mind.

Which in fact was true. The more he thought about what was going to happen later tonight, the more his head swam. He had no clue how to jump out of a window quietly. And how could it be guaranteed that his brother was going to cover for him? Tyler knew very well that Hayley was a miracle worker but still, he had his doubts.

But for the rest of the day, he sat in silence. Aside from the piano keys jingling when he pressed them. But eventually, his siblings started complaining they were hungry and Zack was practicing basketball outside.   
__________

The day passed by painfully fast. Pete and Tyler talked about school and Hayley kept trying to push Tyler to wear something "extra" cool just in case he met a girl. Hayley was bisexual and was always on the look out for girls and boys for Tyler. Sometimes it got annoying because Tyler had no interest in dating anybody. He didn't want to drag a romantic partner in this mess known as his life. He didn't want someone who was supposed to love him know about his struggles and extreme lack of self worth.

But his parents came home and Tyler shot hoops with his dad, the August heat enveloping his body when he stepped back into the house. His shirt was soaking wet from sweat and his hair stuck to his forehand. He breathed heavily in and out.

"Wow I'm very surprised with how quick and swift you were today. I know you may hate me and basketball isn't until the winter time but practice makes perfect." His equally sweaty father said, clapping a calloused hand on Tyler's clammy back. Tyler gulped in disgust. He hated sweating.

But now that he got a full blown workout done, his father forgave him and he was pleased. But Tyler didn't stop there, he was extra polite tonight and did everything his parents asked. He showered and cleaned the bathroom, he played video games with Jay and Madison and helped contribute to dinner. He helped his dad clean the car and Zack watched him with satisfaction the whole time. Such a jerk.

But the family sat together and joked around while they ate their chicken and rice. Tyler's mom kept gossiping about one of the teachers at school and his father gave a lecture on how important it was to stay hydrated throughout the day. Jay complained that he hated rice and Madison asked if she could hang out with her friend tomorrow. Zack made horrible basketball puns and Tyler tried his best not to suffocate under all of the normalcy and happiness.

As much as Tyler loved his family, he struggled to keep up. He barely listened to the dinner conversations and had to fake a laugh so that suspicion wouldn't be drawn to him. His whole family pretty much knew Tyler wasn't completely okay but it's not like Tyler spoke up about it. He was afraid of himself and maybe these weird family bondings would distract him. But they didn't. They just made him realized how screwed up he really was.

Tyler didn't have to contribute to dish washing tonight since he helped out enough already. Tyler was thankful because a wave nausea swept over him once he collapsed onto his bed. Pretending to be okay at the dinner table all of a sudden made him feel crappy. All of his energy was gone. He didn't know what to do so he sat on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands trying to bite back tears.

Tyler wasn't one to cry but he just felt like such garbage that he wasn't sure what to do with himself. He grabbed his medication from the drawer and popped two pills in his mouth and swallowed them dry. He coughed a couple of times his throat feeling scratchy from the lack of water.

"Are you ok?" He heard a voice ask from his doorway. He jumped and saw his brother standing in his doorway, his hip against the wooden frame. His grey t-shirt hung loosely on this shoulders. Tyler sat up, brushing himself off. He sniffed again, rubbing his face, "Yeah." He said, nodding calmly.

Zack came into the room and sat down, looking awkward. Even if Zack was a jerk, he would be devastated if anything were to happen to Tyler. He was his brother after all.

"You don't look okay." Zack muttered quietly.

"I'm fine." Tyler mumbled back.

"Are you nervous about the party?" He asked, putting his hands underneath his thighs. Tyler didn't feel like talking to Zack about his problems so he simply just nodded.

"I'm sorry I ratted you out to mom about it. I forget how nervous you become about this stuff. I'm really going to cover you tonight. I swear."

Tyler's heart felt warm from the compassion in Zack's voice. The kid never showed affection. Who knew it took an anxiety attack to make him realize to stop being a jerk face for one second.

"Thanks. I'm fine, I promise." He said, trying to push a smile onto his face. Zack smiled back and shook his shoulder, "Get Melanie Martinez's number for me?" Zack raised an eyebrow, his eyes flicking with mischief.

"In your dreams." He laughed, shoving his brother from his room. Zack stuck his tongue out and shut the door., leaving Tyler alone in his own pool of sadness and dark thoughts.

But before he could slip back to contemplate his nerves, his phone buzzed.

Hayley: 1 hour!!!!

Tyler's heart tumbled. Guess it was time to kiss parents goodnight and shit.

 


	3. Sticky and Sour

Tyler didn't bother to text Hayley back. His hands were growing clammy as he heard his mom and dad walking upstairs. He heard a knock on his door.

"Yeah?" He called out weakly. He squeezed his eyes shut with embarrassment. His door opened and his mother smiled down at him, closing the door. She spotted the open bottle of medication on his bedside table and gave a weary look.

"You okay?" She asked, her voice quiet. Tyler gave a sideways glance at the bottle. He nodded and she sat down next to him.

"I'm sorry if you really wanted to go to this party. I just don't feel comfortable with it. I know you're a good kid and you're not like everybody else but I still worry about you." She said, rubbing his arm, giving Tyler comfort.

Tyler sighed and nodded with understanding, "I know. But you know me, what could possibly go wrong? I'd be with Hayley and Pete the whole time." He argued quietly, weakly attempting to fish for permission so that he didn't have to sneak out.

"Anything could go wrong. I'm sorry, Tyler but it's a no. I would rather you be here safe than out at some random kid's house surrounded by God knows what." She said, now ruffling his hair. Tyler nodded his head and hugged her.

"Your father and I will be out early tomorrow to see grandma so we'll be gone for pretty much the whole day. I'll leave some money so you can get pizza for your siblings, okay?" She said, nuzzling her face into her son's cheek. Tyler nodded and pulled himself away from her.

"Goodnight." She said, letting her hand linger on Tyler's shoulder for a second before leaving his room and closing the door.

Tyler's heart sunk with guilt. Was he really going to do this? Was he actually going to sneak out of his house?

Before he could question himself any further, he got up and walked to his dresser.

He thought about Hayley's words but decided that he wasn't dressing to impress anyone. So he simply just put on black skinny jeans to avoid mosquitos and a grey t-shirt with black splotches and black vans. He checked his hair in the mirror, the dark brown mess sticking up in a weird sort of curl above his forehead. He tried his best to push it down but decided it wasn't worth it.

He also stared at his lanky frame. Of course his arms were muscular from basketball but they were still skinny at the same time. His stomach was slightly toned but his legs were tiny, he felt disproportionate but yet he never complained.

His phone buzzed once more and he knew it was time. He opened his door quietly and saw that the hallway was dark. But there was a sliver of light coming from Zack's room. Tyler peered out. He knocked quietly on Zack's door and he answered, just giving him a simple nod. Tyler nodded back and walked back to his own room and shut the door. He then opened up his window.

His window faced his backyard, not the front lawn like Hayley assumed. But his roof was slanted so he climbed out onto the windowsill, using his toe to grip onto a shingle. His phone was heavy in his front pocket. He gulped and shut the window, quietly moving down the roof. He felt himself slipping but his shoes planted firmly on the rough patch of the roof as he made is way to the gutter.

When his feet made contact with the gutter, it made a creaking noise way louder than he expected. He sunk his teeth into his bottom lip, his heart idling in his chest. He then looked at the deck and his heart sped up more.

He swung his feet over the edge of the roof and latched his hands on the gutter. He knew it would make a squeaking noise from being moved. He knew he couldn't hang on long or else he'd actually break it. So Tyler sucked in a break and lowered himself as far down as he could from the roof and let go.

He almost would have screamed but instead, he twisted his body and landed on his right shoulder and upper arm. A burst of pain spread through the bone and muscle and he hissed, sitting up on his butt and inspecting his arm.

There was no damage except for a huge red welt and soreness. There would probably be bruises the next day. He stood up and met his reflection in the blackened window. He sighed, the guilt consuming him. The humid August air laid a moist blanket of perspiration on his skin. His nerves were acting up. But the buzzing from his phone caused him to tear his eyes away from is guilty reflection.

Hayley: hurry the f up

Tyler groaned and ran to his right, hopping down the steps and opening the gate that led to the front lawn quietly. He ran down his dark and silent street, hearing the bass of Hayley's music and seeing red break lights in front of him.

His heart was pumping wildly when he climbed into the back seat. Hayley turned the light on and turned to him, one arm resting on the steering wheel.

"Alright!" She screamed, smiling her gigantic smile. Tyler was taken aback by her appearance.

Hayley's bright orange hair was strung up in a messy bun on top of her forehead, fiery bangs falling into her thick eyelashes. Red hot eyeshadow surrounded her eyelids and she had the signature black eyeliner all the girls sported, her red lips made her pale skin look even more white in the light. And from what Tyler could see, she had on a tank top that seemed to be cut off at her mid section. It looked like leather and something bright yellow stuck out on the piece of clothing but he couldn't tell what it was.

Tyler just stared at her and her crazy appearance. But even though Hayley looked like a character out of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, it complimented her complexion and personality so well. Hayley was a party animal with such a soft side and a wide range of humor. She was edgy and cool and didn't care what anybody thought of her. In fact, she was quite popular at Tyler's school. She had so many friends but she wasn't a skank in any way possible. She's only had one boyfriend in her past. Tyler was just really grateful in this moment to be her friend.

"Cat got your tongue?" Hayley's honey-like voice asked. Tyler gulped and met her green eyes once more and nodded his head.

"It's just-you look-"

"Fucking insane?" He heard Pete say. He was so quiet that Tyler forgot he was even in the car. Tyler laughed and Hayley punched Pete in the shoulder.

Pete turned around and smiled and Tyler smiled back. Pete sported a black hat with a maroon colored shirt. His jet black bangs hung into his eyes, his shiny white teeth gleaming in the dim car light.

"I'm glad you were able to come, man. You're gonna be fine." He said, his words soothing Tyler's nerves slightly. Tyler tried his best to smile and sat back in Hayley's truck. He looked behind him and tried to get a last glimpse of his house through the trees but they were too far away and it was too dark.

"Where does Brendon even live anyway?" Pete asked as Hayley began rocking to the beat of a song Tyler didn't know.

"Um like woodsville street or something like that." She mumbled, looking down at her phone for the GPS.

"Damn he really is rich. I bet he's got, like, two pools." Pete said, using his hands for emphasis. Tyler just sucked in a breath, the cool air conditioning making him shiver.

"Tyler, are you sure you're alright? We're ten minutes into this trip and you haven't said a word." Hayley said, turning around.

"Don't push him. He's just nervous. He's not crazy like us." Pete said. Tyler felt he should have been offended or something but Pete was right. He was nervous and he wasn't crazy, or wild, or a daredevil.

"If it really is too much for you, we can go to the movies or the usual hangout spot. We don't have to do this. We really wouldn't care." Tyler appreciated Hayley's offer but he knew how much she's been looking forward to this party. Tyler didn't want to be selfish when two out of the three of them wanted to go. He would just decide to suck it up and try and enjoy himself.

"No it's okay I can handle it. I just get nervous because I feel like I don't belong there, you know?" Tyler said, his voice cracking slightly. He knew Hayley didn't relate but maybe Pete did. They were the weird kids. Well maybe not so much Tyler since he was quiet and shy but Pete was pretty weird. Hayley was a cool chick. She fit in with everybody.

"Well, you know what? Forget about your nerves for a second. This party is for every one of us. This is our last year of high school. No ones care who's at this party once we leave this damned state once and for all. We've got you, brother. Don't give up on us. This'll be a good experience." Hayley said, turning on her blinker. Tyler could already hear the massive bass of the music. He felt Hayley's smile when she spoke those words. And Tyler smiled a little bit too. She was right. She was always right. Tyler was going to have fun.

"Thanks. I feel a little better now. I don't think I'll drink but I'll be good. And don't start setting me up with people either or I'll die." Tyler laughed and he heard Hayley sigh and Pete just laughed. She stopped her car, parking in front of Brendon's street sign since the neighborhood was packed already.

Tyler took a deep breath as he unbuckled his seatbelt. He ran a nervous hand through his hair and stepped out of the car. The pavement felt weird under his shoes and he felt slightly nauseous. He could've sworn he heard someone throwing up in the brush somewhere.

Hayley turned to him and linked her arm with his. Tyler realized now that her crop top had two yellow lightning bolts on the front with a silver zipper going down the middle. Her cotton-like brown pants also had coffee colored lightning bolts patterned on them. Her black and white polka dotted sneakers stuck out like a sore thumb compared to the rest of the outfit. Hayley was going to blow away all their peers.

Pete just had on jeans and Hayley also linked her arm with his, walking in step between Tyler and Pete.

In moments like these, Tyler wondered if he'd ever want to date Hayley. Hayley was extremely bright and kind. She was so much more than Tyler and deserved better than him. She was beautiful of course but Tyler couldn't imagine himself dating her since they were such close friends. There were times when Hayley would cuddle with Tyler when she was upset but she was always interesting in this guy named Billie who was a year older than them.

Tyler walked down the street to Brendon's massive house, his nerves settling in again. He felt his heart beat painfully against his chest but chose to ignore it. He looked at all of the other kids instead. He recognized some and others not. Sometimes teens from other schools showed up. Or so he's heard. Tyler's school was kind of big and he really didn't know everyone since he mostly kept to himself.

As Tyler passed someone's silver Lexus, he spotted Melanie Martinez sitting on the sidewalk talking to someone he didn't know. His brother instantly popped into his mind and he began to chuckle. He would never have a shot with Melanie. She was too much for him to handle but he could see why he liked her.

She had black hair that curled near her shoulders and her bangs stopped just above her eyebrows. She wore crazy colored makeup and always had a unique septum piercing every few months. Tonight she was wearing a dress that looked separated. The top stopped at her mid section and the skirt stopped at her thighs. The dress was white and had pink hearts all over it, a bright yellow cardigan hung over her arm. She was laughing, her laugh sweet and warm while she picked up the red solo cup settled down next to her.

Tyler continued on, scanning the crowds, trying to see anyone else he knew and could potentially talk to.

But no one else caught his eye and soon they were at Brendon's front door. Pete opened it and the three shoved their way inside. People gave Tyler odd glances but everyone's attention turned away when a voice called through the crowds of kids.

"Hayley Williams!" Someone boomed from the top of the stairs. He felt Hayley jerk and he followed the voice. Brendon Urie stood at the top of the spotless marble stairs and looked down at Hayley with adoration. He made his way down, a red solo cup in his hand.

He sauntered over to the three of them. He sported a bright red button up with black skinny jeans, his perfect brown hair smoothed back, revealing his stupid big forehead that wasn't nearly as big as his ego.

Hayley pulled her arm from Tyler's and hugged Brendon.

"I'm so glad you could make it!" He cried out, his eyes slightly glazed over, completely ignoring Tyler and Pete. Hayley muttered something Tyler couldn't hear.

He then looked at Pete and just nodded at him. When he looked at Tyler, his lips thinned. He just squinted his eyes at him, sizing him up. Tyler felt extremely uncomfortable and out of place.

"Tyler Joseph?" He said, taking a sip of his drink. Tyler just simply nodded, surprised Brendon even knew his name.

"Surprised to see you here." He slurred, snaking his arm around Hayley's waist. Hayley look uncomfortable and pulled away politely.

"He wasn't sure he wanted to come but Pete and I were able to convince him." Hayley said with confidence. Tyler almost face palmed.

Brendon nodded and looked back to Hayley, his interest in Tyler gone. He was relieved.

"Well, Hayley, there's some people here I want you to meet. I'm sure Tyler and Pete will be fine on their own, I assume?" He said, placing his hand on the small of Hayley's back and handing her a drink. She took it with enthusiasm.

Hayley just muttered okay and the two began to walk away. Tyler's throat grew dry and he turned to Pete, looking at him with alarm. Pete just shrugged. Before Hayley disappeared into the crowd of kids, she mouthed a quick 'sorry' to her friends over her shoulder. Tyler just sighed, placing his hands in his pockets.

"Well what now?" Tyler asked, standing awkwardly in front of the door. A couple people pushed him aside to get in and out of the house.

"Well I was gonna go find Patrick if that was okay with you?" Pete said, sticking his hands in his pocket as well and rocking back and forth on his feet. Tyler just sucked in a breath. He knew this was going to happen. Hayley and Pete promised not to leave him alone but here they were.

"But-" Tyler started but then closed his mouth. He didn't want to sound like a whiny baby. He had to get over himself for once. He was a big boy now, it's not like Hayley and Pete were his guardians. But nonetheless, Pete looked at Tyler expectantly when he opened his mouth.

"Never mind. I was gonna use the bathroom anyway." Tyler said, trying to sound nonchalant. Pete just simply nodded and turned away, disappearing into the other room. Tyler just breathed out and rolled his eyes.

He made his was through the house, getting odd stares and sideway glances. He knew that this was a bad idea. He knew he shouldn't have come. He was alone and had no one to talk to. He probably looked like such a loser as soon as he leaned against the granite counter staring at his shoes.

Nobody took special interest in Tyler. It's not that he was hated, he just wasn't up to the standards of being social. People thought he was too quiet and too awkward. But little did they know what was really going on inside his head.

Tyler considered taking a drink to blend in with the crowd but he didn't want to spark up a reputation about him. He saw some people he was familiar with but they were either too drunk to comprehend words or too enveloped in their own friends groups.

But before Tyler could move onto the next room, someone clapped in on the shoulder. Tyler jumped and turned around, he smelled alcohol and it was strong.

"T-Tyler J-osufsh-Joseph? Is that you?" A voice called out. Someone was clearly drunk. Tyler turned around, coming face to face with Taylor York, a fellow classmate. Tyler wasn't close to Taylor or anything but they used to be really good friends in eighth grade but that was all. Taylor was in band and he minded his own business. Tyler himself was surprised to see him drunk.

"Uh-yeah that's me." Tyler said awkwardly, raising his eyebrows at a very drunk Taylor.

"I'm surprised you're here, bro. You're like pure and shit." Taylor laughed, sipping more of his drink, his hand still resting on Tyler's shoulder. Some of the alcohol slipped past his lips and dribbled down his chin. Tyler backed up slightly before any could get on his shoes.

"Uh-yeah I'm here." Tyler felt so awkward he didn't know what to do or to say. People seemed to be staring at them now.

"You're cute." Taylor laughed, trying to move forward. Tyler had enough of this. He began pulling away from Taylor but Taylor stumbled. Tyler gasped and caught Taylor before the poor kid could slam his face into the counter. Tyler looked around with a scared expression as he held Taylor by his armpits. Panic began to pool in his stomach the more the attention was focused on him.

"Thanks, bro." Taylor muttered, getting back on his own two feet. He grabbed Tyler's shoulders to hold himself up.

"Can you stand?" Tyler asked, trying to look into his eyes. Taylor nodded. "I'm going to leave now." Tyler said with seriousness and he heard Taylor whimper.

"N-no please don't goooo. You're so cute." Taylor sounded like he was going to cry. Tyler just looked at the ever growing crowd nervously. No one bothered to help and he just considered letting Taylor face plant just so he could escape their burning stares. His skin was growing hot and his hair felt damp.

"Tayl-Taylor, I'm going." Tyler said, letting go of him. But before Tyler could turn around, Taylor grabbed Tyler's head and pulled him in, crashing his lips onto his.

Tyler's heart stilled as his lips were stuck between Taylor's swollen ones, the alcohol sticky and sour on his own lips. Tyler heard people gasping and snickering. He could have sworn he heard a camera click or maybe saw a flash. He wasn't sure. What he was sure of, however, was that he needed to get out of there. Now.

He heard Taylor moan through the kiss and he felt him try to deepen it but Tyler yanked his face away. Their lips made a popping sound when they disconnected. Before Taylor could grab him again, Tyler shoved him away and ran out the sliding glass door in the kitchen, wiping his mouth as he heard his peers begin to laugh.

He felt his eyes start to seal shut and felt his nose tingle, signaling a fresh wave tears approaching. But it wasn't the feeling of crying that made him run, it was that familiar feeling of panic spreading through his chest.

It wasn't warm and it wasn't from excitement, it was stone cold fear. A painful ache squeezing around his heart as he began to shake violently, his legs pumping as he ran through the crowd. All he tasted was alcohol and Taylor's lips. He didn't want this. He was embarrassed. He was fuming and he was terrified.

Tyler was having a full blown panic attack in the middle of this party. And there was nothing he could do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just letting you guys know, I have nothing against Brendon Urie. I love that man so so much. I just seen him more as the popular character in my story so yeah lmao but I hope this is intriguing so far:3


	4. I Like Your Pink Hair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my now that I'm re-reading some of the chapters, I realize all of the spelling mistakes. I just want to say that I know there are mistakes but I'm writing the chapters on my phone so as soon as I get a computer, everything will be fixed thanks :))

Tyler pushed past the large crowds of kids drinking and dancing. Several people were making out near Brendon's pool, some were even on the lawn just trying to get the other's shirt off. Tyler was going to throw up. He felt so weak and terrified. He wished he had his medication.

He felt his phone buzzing in his pocket but he didn't care. He still kept wiping his mouth while running. Thankfully, Brendon's house was located in a cul-de-sac which mean't his backyard branched off into what seemed like an endless amount of woods. Tyler just needed to get away from all of the noise and the havoc.

After he tripped over a couple of branches and got cut up by some thorny branches, he stopped until he was far enough away to just hear the bass pumping again. He dropped to his knees and began throwing up from physical exhaustion and pure panic.

He was barely an hour into the party and something already bad happened to him. The one time he decided to try and have fun. The one time he wanted to experiment with what he could do. The one time he decides to step out of his boundaries, it all crumbles. A very drunken boy kissed him. And usually that must seem normal at parties but this was Tyler Joseph. The innocent boy who was quiet and did nothing wrong. Now he was probably going to be seen as some sort of man slut. He was kissed without consent in front of more than a dozen people. And someone may have even gotten his picture. How screwed up was that?

He scooted back nervously on his hands, not even caring how much dirt was probably covering his clothes and skin. He was sweating profusely. And after his breathing calmed, he stood up again, his legs shaking and his throat burning from regurgitating.

He walked farther into the woods, using the moonlight and his own cellphone as a guide. Hayley texted him and asked where he was but he didn't answer. Zack also asked him if he was doing okay. He definitely didn't answer that text.

After walking aimlessly through the dark woods, he grew calmer as the sounds of nature settled around him. His lips were sticking together and every time he swallowed, he could still taste that god forsaken alcohol.

Eventually, Tyler ended up at a small lake he didn't know existed. He wondered if Brendon came back here sometimes when his popularity got too much for him.

But either way, Tyler sat on the rocky ground and stared out at the gleaming water. It surprisingly looked fresh and there wasn't a lot of grime and litter near there. It was quite soothing. Somewhere Tyler would like to visit again if the situation wasn't so horrible.

But he pulled out his phone and decided to contribute some more song lyrics into the notes of his phone. Once he was able to think of more rhymes and eagerly tap the words on the screen with every emotion he had, the song title popped into his mind.

Blasphemy.

Tyler sighed once more, putting his phone away and placing his head in his hands. His heart rate didn't cease for a second. It kept beating and beating even when he was sitting still. He just wanted it to stop beating altogether. He was so embarrassed and a million people must have witnessed his panic attack. He didn't know why he was freaking out so much since Taylor was drunk but maybe it was because Tyler was nervous in the first place. The poor kid needed help standing but he also wanted a kiss too.

Tyler couldn't decide how he felt about the kiss. It didn't bother him that it was a man since genders didn't always matter to him but still, he barely knew Taylor and it was inappropriate of him to just kiss Tyler.

But as Tyler's thoughts came crashing down on him and his anxiety peaking to an increasing level it hasn't reached in a long time, he began to cry.

He rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes as an attempt to cease the hot tears. But they just simply stained his hands and his quiet sobs echoed silently over the reflection of the water. His shoulders were jerking so much and his own sniffles blocked out the noise of people coming.

Eventually, two people stumbled out of the forest but Tyler still didn't register what was happening.

Two teenagers had their hands on each other, kissing passionately as one stumbled and fell onto the rocks, earning a giggle from a girl. A boy panted over her as they kissed under the moonlight. But when they stopped to breathe for a second, they heard it.

"Hey." Someone called out to Tyler next to him. Tyler's head snapped up painfully. He rubbed his eyes and looked in the direction of the voice. He recognized the voice but he couldn't see the shadowed figure coming near him. He began to panic again. He rose up on his feet, ready to run once more, even if his legs had enough.

Tyler backed up in fear, turning on his heel.

"Hey-hey, wait! T-Tyler? Tyler, is that you?" He recognized the voice now. When she came more into the light she looked concerned. It was Ashley Frangipane, one of Tyler's acquaintances.

Tyler looked her up and down, trying to see if she was drunk. She was rubbing a pale hand through her dark shaven head. The dark make up made her eyes look creepy and her lips nonexistent. The little black dress framed her body perfectly, a pair of black high heels in her hand.

"Are you drunk?" Tyler asked, his voice hoarse.

"No. Are you?" She asked, dropping her shoes and stepping closer to Tyler. Tyler backed up in fear.

"Hey, what's up? Are you alright?" She said, her voice calm. She grabbed Tyler's hands in her cold ones, her eyes boring into Tyler's. Tyler gulped unsure of what to say. "No." Was all he could get out.

"I can see that. You look awful. Do you wanna tell me what happened?" She asked with soft eyes.

"Ash?" Tyler heard someone call out. Tyler's chest tightened and he pulled his hands from Ashley's, getting ready to run.

"Tyler, wait!" She called, gripping his shoulder. "Don't mind him. Focus on me." She said, holding up a hand to the stranger behind her.

"Tell me what's going on." She said calmly, tugging his shoulders to make him sit down. Tyler didn't realize how violently he was shaking in her grasp.

"S-some boy kissed m-m-me. In front of everyone. I didn't want it. Not that. People will talk. I c-can't deal w-w-w.." Tyler started to say but his voice was shaking too much. Ashley pulled him into her chest and began shushing him. As much as Tyler and Ashley were polar opposites, she was good when it came to comfort.

She didn't smell much like alcohol. Mostly flowers.

"Aw, Tyler. God you don't deserve that I'm so sorry. Who kissed you and why?" She asked, cupping his face and breathing into his hair. Tyler just stared numbly at the lake.

"Don't wanna say who. He was drunk but still. I think people took a picture or somthin'." He said, chewing the dead skin on his bottom lip to distract himself from shedding more tears.

"I'm sorry, Tyler. I wish there was something I could do about this. People can be so fucking cruel and I just-I apologize. I'll be here for you. Who did you come with? I could drive you home." Tyler lifted his head from her arms and scooted away from her a little bit to look up at her pretty face.

"I came here with Hayley and Pete but I gotta be the designated driver." He mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck shyly. Ashley nodded with understanding.

"I know exactly where Hayley is. So I want you to stay here while I go get her and then her and I will find Pete. My friend is over there and he's really sweet. He's new here so maybe you could distract yourself but telling him about school and stuff. I'll text you, Tyler when I find Hayley." Her words went in one ear and out the other. He understood what she was saying. He felt bad for being such an inconvenience to his friends. He was a screw up and made everybody miserable.

Ashley ran her fingers through Tyler's hair and stood up, slipping on her shoes and making her way back to the stranger Tyler didn't know. He heard Ashley's footsteps leave the forest and then heard fresh ones coming closer.

"Hi." A shy voice said, sitting down a good distance from Tyler. Tyler turned around and almost jumped at the sight. Sitting next to him was a very interesting looking kid. Tyler knew a dude like this guy was Ashley's type.

"Hi." Tyler said back quietly, rubbing some dirt from his wrist.

"I'm Josh." The boy said, extending his hand in the moonlight. Tyler gulped and shook it. This guy didn't seem too bad. However, the mess of bright pink colored hair sticking out from underneath his maroon snapback threw him off. His nose piercing also revealed itself out in the light of the moon.

His arms were extremely toned and muscular, a baby blue button up shirt looking almost white compared to the similar dark black skinny jeans Tyler himself was wearing.

"Uh-Tyler." He said, nervous once more. Tyler retracted his hand and began picking dirt from his nails, scrubbing the nature from his palms.

"I'm not sure what's happening but hopefully things will work out in your favor." Was all he said, his words quiet and emotionless. Tyler could tell Josh was rather shy and Tyler hated situations like these.

"Thanks... Are you new here? Ashley told me you were." Tyler wanted to make some decent conversation while he awaited his fate.

Josh's eyes pricked at the sound of Ashley's name and he looked up, "Yeah I moved here in June. I met Ashley at another party but we're just friends." He said, rubbing his hands together.

Tyler scoffed lightly, "Didn't look like you guys were "just friends" there for a second." Josh just laughed nervously and adjusted his hat.

"Yeah maybe not. I mean she is slightly drunk believe it or not. Even if she told you no she is. I'm not that into her and I feel bad about it." Tyler bit his lip, trying his hardest not to judge Josh for his poor decision making.

"Well she's pretty stable for being slightly drunk. I've been friends with Ashley for a good amount of time. I would suggest not breaking her heart so maybe you should limit the make out sessions." Tyler laughed, his voice breathy. Josh seemed cool. Not at all intimidating or prejudice.

"Yeah I know I'm gonna tell her don't worry, I'm not that kinda guy." He sighed. Tyler took this opportunity, "Well, what kind of guy are you?"

He almost face palmed, his opportunity being flushed right down the toilet. He wasn't exactly sure why asking him a question based on his previous sentence was an opportunity of any type. Maybe because it was easier to make conversation that way? Tyler wasn't sure. All he felt was embarrassment, a familiar feeling judging by the events from before.

"Uh-well I'm average I guess. I hate science and I like playing video games. I wear hats a lot." He chuckled, pulling his knees to his chest and looking out at the water.

"What about you?" The question kind of struck Tyler. Of course it wasn't an out-of-the-ordinary question it just wasn't asked often. Not a lot of people wanted to know anything about Tyler.

Tyler thought for a second before responding. As much as Josh did seem like a genuine guy, he wanted to make some sort of impression for the benefit of making a new friend. Tyler knew impressing someone wasn't the way to friendship but it didn't hurt to try. He's never really had a chance to deem himself as interesting to anyone new.

"Well I play basketball a lot and I enjoy video games as well. I wear t-shirts a lot." He laughed lightly, copying Josh's sentence. Josh just simply grinned. That smile made Tyler's heart flutter with accomplishment. He decided he liked Josh. Punk and all.

"I like basketball too but my aim sucks. But soccer is fun. How long have you been playing basketball?" Tyler's heart was beating faster now. He was so overwhelmed with the amount of conversation happening. Usually he couldn't hold a conversation for more than twenty minutes. Even with Hayley and Pete. He always faded away, standing idly by while Hayley argued with Pete that her eyes were green, not Hazel.

"Uh I think from when I was eleven. My dad loves basketball." Tyler said, exhing. Tyler watched as Josh moved his lips together, nodding.

"What do you do? Like in your free time?" Tyler was curious.

"I watch tv, work, you know, boring stuff. I work at a music store not far from here." He said, resting his forearms on his knees. Tyler was interested by now.

"That's pretty cool. I'll definitely stop by sometime." Tyler said nonchalantly, playing with the hem of his shirt.

Josh was easy to talk to. Or so Tyler confirmed. He was laid back and kind. He didn't push Tyler to tell him what happened and the two had something in common.

"Well company sure is appreciated. It's by that confidence store on Rochester I think." Josh laughed, shifting his legs. Tyler just looked at him and smiled. "Oh okay now I know. I think it would be cool to go there. Maybe I can learn a new instrument." He said, chuckling softly and looking out at the water.

Talking to Josh calmed Tyler down a lot and he wasn't sure why. He barely knew him, not even his last name. But nonetheless, the two connected and Tyler couldn't help but find himself curious about Josh. He was shy and seemed to be holding a lot back which Tyler related to.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to but is there any reason why you're back here? Did you get sick or something?" Josh's voice rose a little. Tyler could tell he was trying not to sound too curious.

Tyler took a deep breath, "It's just that something embarrassing happened to me before and I fled. I'm just not having the best night and I feel crappy. I should have never came." Josh nodded, his eyes sorrowful.

"I'm sorry about that, man. We've all been there. I was skeptical about this party too but Ashley influenced me." He said.

"But hey, even if we're both not enjoying this place all too well, at least I can say I made another friend to talk to in school when the year starts." Tyler knew Josh was trying to comfort him and it was strangely working.

"You don't wanna be friends with me." Tyler said before he could stop himself. He let his legs fall into a butterfly position as he picked the grass on the ground between his heels. He felt slightly stupid for saying something to break the mood but at least he could give a warning to this guy who was barely an acquaintance.

"And why not? You're pretty cool." Josh said, nudging Tyler.

"I'm weird and quiet. You'll be the talk of the crowd most likely. You'll see me and think of how pathetic I look." Tyler couldn't stop the words from pouring from his mouth. Josh was a new set of ears and just being around him made Tyler comfortable to share this information with him. He knew he sounded so bitter but he had a right to be after tonight.

"Being weird is fine with me. And trust me, I'm quiet too. And sure people may talk about me but it'll probably be how cringe worthy my pink hair is." He chuckled, sniffing in the process. Tyler couldn't help but chuckle too.

"Well I like your pink hair."

"Thanks."

The air was heavy. Tyler had no clue what time it was but it was bound to be almost midnight by now. He hoped to god his parents weren't awake and wandering. He felt guilty enough being at this party and now his mother's words echoed in his head. He should have listened to her.

Sitting next to Josh in the silence of the woods was calming. Josh didn't seem like he was real but there he was, breathing the same air as Tyler as they looked everywhere but at each other. Tyler didn't know if they had some weird sort of connection or if fate had just made them like each other. Tyler really wanted to be his friend for some reason and he hoped Josh felt the same way.

"Do you know what your schedule is?" Tyler asked in the silence, the crickets seemed to cease like they were listening to the conversation.

"Yeah but I don't know it by heart yet. It's on my phone but it's dead but I could send it to you? Maybe we have some classes together." Tyler nodded in agreement, handing his phone over to Josh so he could put his number in. Tyler texted the number revealing himself so Josh would know to save it when he went home that night.

Was Tyler offering his phone to a Josh a mistake? It didn't seem like it. It's not like he had a crush on the guy although something easily could spark up in a matter of months if they still talked. Or at least that's what happened with Hayley when they first met. But Tyler didn't want Josh to be just another friend he forgot about. He really liked his personality and he thought he had a unique look to him.

But before Tyler could question his inner feelings about Josh further, his phone buzzed in his hand as he admired one of the rocks catching the moonlight near the water.

Tyler looked at his phone.

Hayley: where are u?? Pete and Patrick have been looking

Zack: ma got up once but nothing major. Are you ok?

Ashley: found Hayley and Pete. We're coming to you.

Tyler sighed and placed his phone back in his pocket.

"Everything okay?" Josh asked. Tyler stood up and brushed his fingers through his hair, expecting the act to alleviate some sort of his stress but no success.

"Yeah just tired." Josh also stood up, the two boys brushing the dirt and sticks from their pants.

"Ashley's on her way back. You're gonna break the news to her right?" Tyler asked, a sideways smirk sneaking it's way onto his lips as he looked down at his dirty vans. He watched Josh slide his hands into his pockets from his peripheral vision.

Josh sucked in air through his teeth, "Yeah I guess so. Hope she doesn't get too upset. She is a great kisser though." He laughed and Tyler laughed too. He knew Ashley wouldn't be offended. Maybe a little disappointed but she really didn't need some boyfriend dragging her down.

Tyler and Josh stood in silence again, Josh was looking to his right while Tyler looked up at the moon. Despite everything that has happened, at least he met a new friend who wasn't a total dirtbag. Josh was cool. And even if his appearance seemed slightly alarming, Tyler accepted him and his overall personality. He enjoyed his company and was thankful he met him. Hopefully the two had classes together.

Eventually, Tyler heard branches breaking in the distance, voices echoing from the woods. Tyler and Josh glanced at each other, knowing who was coming.

So Tyler just stood in front of the lake, hands in pockets as he waited for his three friends to emerge from the woods. But all he could really see was a mess of fiery orange hair sprinting his way.


	5. So... Josh?;))

"Are you okay!" Hayley called out breathlessly, colliding into Tyler, causing him to fall backwards. Josh grabbed his arm, stabilizing Tyler so that he wouldn't fall in the lake. Tyler tried his best to give him a nod as a thank you but Hayley's hair was blocking his vision.

"I'm so so sorry, Tyler. Ashley gave me a quick summary on what happened and I feel so horrible." Hayley cried out, pulling away from Tyler. He sort of missed her clinging onto him.

"It's ok." Was all he could muster. Hayley looked beyond disheveled. Her black eyeliner was slightly smudged and her hair was cascading down her shoulders now. Her skin was shiny with sweat and she looked tired and stressed. Pete just stood in the back awkwardly, kicking rocks with his shoes but he came forward.

"I shouldn't have left you, Tyler. I was being selfish." Pete said with sympathy trying to avoid eye contact.

"I'm not mad, I promise. You guys aren't my parents. You don't have to watch over me like some puppy." Tyler was getting really defensive for some reason. As much as he was kind of upset Hayley and Pete just left him alone, he also felt offended of how weak they portray him. But maybe Tyler was weak. Or maybe he was just inexperienced and was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He decided on that last option.

"We know, Tyler but we didn't consider your feelings tonight. We assumed you'd be fine and we just left." Hayley sounded so exasperated and upset. Tyler's inside roiled due to the fact that she was upset because of him. As much as Hayley kept blaming herself, it was all really him. Tyler was the one with problems. Tyler was the one with social anxiety. Tyler's the one who can't handle himself at a stupid party no one cares about. Tyler being Tyler is just a waste of space.

"Please stop blaming yourself. I'm fine now. And you didn't have a choice anyway. Brendon was beckoning you to come with him. Can't leave that idiot unattended for crap." Tyler sighed, his voice calm as he shook Hayley's shoulder lightly.

Her green eyes were so dark in the light. Tyler felt guilty for bringing this upon her.

"Brendon can go fuck himself. He just wanted to kiss me anyway." She said, laughing nervously and sniffing. Tyler chuckled back. Pete gave him a wary smile and he knew he broke the tension. He was relieved that everyone was calming down.

"Ash, thanks so much for getting me when you did. I needed to be saved anyway." Hayley said, turning her attention to Ashley. After squeezing her hand reassuringly, Hayley saw Josh fidgeting behind Ashley.

"Oh wow hey I'm sorry. I didn't see you there. I'm Hayley." She said, smiling that contagious grin. Ashley stepped aside, her dark black lipstick making light cracks in her lips. Josh stepped forward and smiled shyly, "I'm Josh." He said.

"Josh sat with Tyler while I was gone so him and Tyler probably talked for a bit I hope." Ashley said, her voice warm.

Tyler and Josh just looked at each other with light smiles and nodded. Tyler could have sworn he saw Hayley's eyes ignite with something he was going to be pestered about later.

"Oh, really?" She said with comical sarcasm. Tyler began to rub the back of his neck nervously. Did she seriously have to do this right now?

"Your friend is a cool dude." Josh said, smiling sideways at Tyler. Hayley just pursed her lips, squinting her eyes playfully and nodding.

"Holy shit." Tyler heard Pete say. Tyler looked past Hayley and Ashley and saw Pete looking at his phone with one hand in his pocket.

Tyler's heart almost leapt. If it was that picture someone could have potentially taken, he would have fainted. But then he deemed it to be not possible because teens didn't just get pictures through their emails and text messages without someone having their number. It could happen but Tyler prayed to God that it didn't.

"It's two in the morning. My mom will beat the shit out of me if I don't get home." Tyler breathed a sigh of relief. Not only was he thankful that it wasn't the picture but he was also thankful for the fact that he didn't have to suggest the idea of going home.

"Well, guess that's our cue. It was really nice meeting you, Josh and nice seeing you too, Ashley." Hayley said politely, tying her hair up again and linking arms with Tyler. She grabbed his head and hugged him before walking away with Pete and Tyler.

"Don't forget to break the news!" Tyler called out behind him. He could basically feel Josh's eyes burning into his back and he began to snicker.

"What news?" Hayley asked, alcohol clearly wafting on her breath as she snuggled her nose against Tyler's jaw. "Oh, it's nothing." Tyler said quietly, walking back towards Brendon's house.

The music was making him nervous as they approached the lawn. There seemed to be some sort of dance off happening near a picnic bench where a student stood holding a radio. People were break dancing and spilling their drinks over each as they danced.

Some people were passed out as they rested their heads on floating tubes meant for the pool. Some people were swimming others just making out in the pool.

Pete walked ahead to the door while Tyler and Hayley still linked arms, struggling to move past the ever growing circle of sweaty bodies dancing to music Tyler didn't like.

Someone cat called in Hayley and Tyler's direction, assuming they were going to hook up. Hayley just held up her middle finger and slipped inside the house. She moved closer to Tyler as if she were avoiding being seen. Tyler understood since she kind of ditched Brendon.

But Tyler couldn't help but focus on the stares in his direction. First he was kissed by some boy and now he was arm in arm with one of the prettiest girls in his grade. Tyler felt uncomfortable with the attention and pulled away from Hayley politely but people still stared at him. They're judging glances contributing horrifically to his already fast heart rate.

But the three made it through the large house, stepping on a few glass beer bottles halfway throughout the front room. They eventually made it outside and someone hurled against the outside of Brendon's house.

The three walked down the sidewalk to the entrance of the street where Hayley's truck was parked. Some of the cars they saw earlier were gone, some people lingered outside while most of everyone else stayed inside. Tyler was just thankful he didn't see Taylor again.

But then it hit him. He almost stopped walking from this sudden realization. Taylor York was Hayley's ex-boyfriend. As if the situation couldn't get any worse. But so he climbed in the driver's side of his car and Pete sat in the back this time.

"What happened, Tyler?" Was the first words out of Hayley's mouth in the silence. The alcohol wasn't too strong on her breath but her voice sounded sympathetic and serious. A rare sound.

Tyler gulped, "Well, after you went off with Brendon it was just me and Pete for a couple minutes. Pete said he wanted to find Patrick and I said that was okay so the both of us parted ways. I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself so I went into the kitchen. I thought about getting a drink but thankfully I didn't but that's when the troubled started." Tyler turned on the car, putting the gear in reverse but Hayley grabbed his hand before he could move the car. Tyler looked down and he breathed out.

"Someone grabbed my shoulder. Taylor York did." He saw Hayley's eyes flicker.

"When I turned around, he kept mumbling and he was drunk he could barely keep a sip of anything down. He kept calling me cute and I tried pushing him away but he almost fell and hurt himself so I caught him. I stood him back up and he kissed me." Tyler rushed the last sentence, resting his hands in his lap as the car shook around the three of them. Hayley retracted her arm and sat forward, looking down at her lap. Pete's facial features were hidden beneath his dark hat.

"I didn't consent and I immediately intervened as soon as it happened. I had a massive panic attack and I threw up in the woods. Ashley and Josh and found me and now here we are." The silence pressed in awkwardly around the trio but Tyler felt relieved to let it out to someone.

Hayley turned to Tyler again and looked up at him, her eyes sparkling like they always did, "I understand. And I know you must think I'm hurt or something because he's my ex-boyfriend but I really don't give a shit. I'm going to freaking punch his lights out when we get back to school. I'm so fucking sorry you had to endure that, Tyler, I am. I know you're not like that and if there does happen to be any commotion about it, I'll stop it before it even starts you have my word." Tyler almost teared up at her words. He didn't deserve someone like Hayley. It was times like these when he felt like he was really in love with her. But not in a romantic way in a best friend, sister-like way. They've known each other for so long and they seem to grow closer everyday. She cared so deeply for him and would rather give up all of her popular friends just to assure Tyler was safe and he had no idea how to feel about that. He had no clue how to give back to her for her generosity. His friendship would have to be enough for her and it was.

"We're so glad you're okay. And thank god you're alright. We know how freaked out you get when you get that hard hitting anxiety. I'm just really glad you're okay." Pete said. His tone was slightly awkward but Tyler knew he meant it. Pete wasn't all that great with words but Tyler appreciated it nonetheless.

"Thank you for just being so awesome." Tyler sighed, mumbling to mostly himself but Hayley just gave him a sideways hugs while Pete shook his shoulder reassuringly. Tyler pulled out of the neighborhood and began to drive home.

Tyler stopped at his house first and got out, Hayley going into the driver's side. Tyler was concerned about letting Hayley drive herself and Pete home but she kept reassuring him she was fine and she mostly was. She just seemed tired. But Tyler couldn't risk leaving her truck at his house or coming home later than he already was. He was still technically sneaking out.

Tyler texted Zack to unlock the door and he did. Zack looked at him with a much intrigued expression. He made it obvious he wanted to know about this party. But he also eyed Tyler curiously when he saw all the dirt and grime covering his clothes.

"I'll tell you tomorrow when mom and dad aren't sleeping upstairs." Tyler whispered making his way to his room. Him and Zack parted ways for the night, he felt bad for having Zack stay up but he was thankful he didn't get caught. He probably wouldn't sneak out again after tonight knowing what happened. But the adrenaline made his heart leap and he felt alive when he crashed into bed that night.

After washing off the dirt on his skin and changing into new clothes, it was about three thirty in the morning.

Hayley: so... Josh?;))

Ashley: hope you're doing okay

Zack: door's unlocked

Unknown: hey this is Josh.

Tyler's heart pounded when he saw the last message. He didn't think Josh was actually going to text him. He needed advice from Hayley.

Tyler: he's just a friend

Hayley: sure I saw some intense eye contact

Tyler: you were literally around for 15 seconds. Don't pull that

Hayley: he was cute what did u think?

Tyler didn't know how to respond because Tyler didn't know if he thought Josh was attractive. He felt odd for thinking it because he wasn't entirely sure what his sexuality was. He based his romantic feelings off of people's personalities most of the time. Josh had an alarming, bad boy appearance and Tyler honestly had no clue what to think. He seemed really sweet but he hoped he wouldn't fall for him because Josh probably wouldn't be into Tyler. He was kissing Ashley Frangipane after all so that gave him warning signs.

Tyler: he was ok. Nice guy. But he was making out with ashley.

Hayley: so? They wouldn't last anyway. Maybe you guys will fall in love :00

Tyler: I highly doubt that. He's probably not even gay. I don't even know if I'm gay.

Hayley: ur like pansexual and bisexual

Tyler thought about that for a moment and he thinks it's true. He finds Hayley attractive and would probably date her if they weren't like siblings. Josh was attractive too and his personality was great from what he could see of it at the time. Maybe he was pansexual. Tyler's love life was surrounded by personality.

Tyler only dated one girl in his life: Sydney Sierota. Tyler remembers bonding with her in tech glass in eighth grade. She wasn't the most liked since she was quiet like Tyler and her appearance was cute but not to a lot of the "popular" people.

She liked dancing and she made Tyler feel special. Tyler was mostly drawn to her personality instead of her looks but eventually they all blended into the perfect combination of a girlfriend. But even then, Tyler used to fantasize about what it would be like to be with a boy. Sydney moved away and sometimes Tyler thought about that year and a half relationship every now and then.

He was so young and it seemed meaningless. They kissed of course but nothing more. Even if Sydney was considered his girlfriend, she still seemed like a friend. His parents approved of her but she's somewhere in another state so Tyler has no one and he's okay with it. Like he said, he doesn't want to drag anyone into his messy life.

But now he thought about Josh again. His parents barely approved of Hayley so how on earth were they going to approve of Josh? His parents had no idea he liked men as well and that was how it was going to stay. Zack has an idea but Tyler plans on telling him soon.

Tyler: yeah I guess he's pretty cute

He sent the text, immediately regretting it when he saw Hayley typing. He was so confused on his feelings and about his love life. He's only had one girlfriend and all of a sudden he's thinking about boyfriends. He's looked at guys before but never fallen for any. Pete and Taylor being perfect examples.

Tyler felt a painful pulse from behind his eyes. He was thinking too much. He shut his phone off pushing Hayley's text away to wait till morning. He was too tired to think.

As he rolled on his side to finally fall asleep from his raging anxiety before, he decided that his sexuality was undetermined. He was attracted to both genders oddly but only he and Hayley really knew that so it wasn't harming anybody.

His phone buzzed but he was slipping away too quickly to check it.


	6. So I'm "Cool"?

Tyler awoke the next morning, his face flushed with embarrassment. He totally forgot to answer Josh last night before he went to bed.

He knew they weren't official friends yet but he felt rude for not answering. But it was also sometime around three in the morning when he texted so Tyler doubted there was a problem.

Nervously, he picked up his phone. He saw some missed messages from Hayley and Ashley. His mom had texted too. It was about twelve in the afternoon and the migraine hit him.

He read the missed messages but didn't answer. All he was thinking about was what he was going to say to Josh.

Strangely, he felt something for him and that made him scared. He barely talked to him and he was already making scenarios about when they could see each other again. He had to watch his actions. Tyler had no clue what Josh's sexuality was and that's not something you could just ask straight out. He needed to try his best to build the relationship without his overwhelming amounts of anxiety scaring him away.

Josh was most likely straight. He was making out with Ashley Frangipane at the party. But Tyler had no idea if Josh was drunk or not. Ashley was very beautiful and the two of them seemed to work. But Josh said he wasn't interested in her so maybe Ashley was just drunk and he was a little tipsy so they just started kissing. There could be a chance that was true.

He was thinking too much. But he couldn't stop.

Tyler's mind flashed forward to school. Josh would most definitely be talked about. The kid was attractive. Of course he wouldn't fit in with the jocks but girls of all kinds would secretly swoon over him.

Tyler surprisingly knew what that was like. Several girls have had crushes on Tyler. It's not like he was ugly he was actually pretty attractive according to social standards. His teeth were a bit crooked but he had a likeable facial structure and "nice hair".

He's only had to decline two girls in his life due to their personalities. It wasn't that he was one hundred percent against girls. It was just that guys seemed to be more ideal to him. And Josh was making Tyler think so much and that was already a horrible sign that he was developing a small crush on him. Something he didn't want. It took him two years to get over liking Hayley in seventh grade and he felt so alone when Sydney moved away. He was depressed and anxious and hated his life. Having another broken heart would just be the cherry on top wouldn't it.

Tyler squeezed his shut and let his phone drop onto his chest. He massaged his scalp and tried to stop thinking. He did it way too much and sometimes he just wanted his brain to quiet down. He had to text Josh. Maybe it would distract him from jumping to conclusions about future events.

Tyler's fingers hovered over the keypad for a second.

Tyler: hey this is Tyler

He instantly back spaced. That sounded two formal and Josh already knew who he was texting. He settled on something else.

Tyler: hey sorry I didn't answer what's up?

He sent it before he could change it again. He bit his lip and put his phone down. He showered quickly and changed into black shorts and a black t-shirt. He would definitely be changing before he did hoops tonight.

Hoops. Tyler groaned.

Basketball. Tyler groaned.

For some really odd reason, basketball was not appealing to Tyler like it used to. And plus, he hated being in a sport with jocks. He was far from a jock and wasn't considered one on the most part but still. He wanted to pursue music.

He turned on his heel and went back into his room. Zack and Jay were probably watching tv and Madison was out with a friend.

Tyler shut his door and pulled out the keyboard from underneath his bed. He also picked up his journal and opened it, scribbling down the lyrics he wrote on his phone and writing "Blasphemy" across the page.

He turned on the keyboard, successful with completing the first verse. He sat criss crossed on his bed and stretched his fingers out before experimenting the sounds. He propped his notebook open in front of him and began to play.

"I start to part two halves of my heart in the dark and I  
Don't know where I should go  
And the tears and the fears begin to multiply  
Taking time in a simple place  
In my bed where my head rests on a pillowcase  
And it's said that a war's led but I forget  
That I let another day go by  
I want to be afraid but it seems that these days  
I'm caught under water and I'm falling farther  
My heart's getting harder, I'm calling my father  
Am I screaming to an empty sky?  
Empty sky, no way, that's me cause one half of my heart is free  
Empty sky, no way, that's me cause the other half of my heart's asleep."

His voice was quiet because he was mostly concentrated on getting the chords right with the lyrics but overall, it was successful. He smiled to himself, practicing more and more until he was confident enough to play the whole first verse with less mistakes than before. It wasn't perfect but it was something. It was something he created and that was all it took to make him smile.

His phone buzzed a little while later when he was eating pizza with his siblings. He gave Zack the highlights of the party but managed to gear the conversation away from him. He didn't mention the kissing part at all.

Josh: hey sorry I just woke up

Tyler almost dropped his pizza. Thank god Zack wasn't in the room because he would have made fun of him so hard.

Tyler: at 3:30 in the afternoon? Dude how late did you stay at the party

The words glided easily while he texted. He felt like he was texting a friend. Were they friends?

Josh: till almost five. I told ashley I wasn't all that interested in her like you told me to. She was angry for like 10 minutes but she ended up telling me she had a crush on some guy named Stephen I don't know

Tyler rubbed the back of his neck feeling slightly bad for Josh.

Tyler: well I guess it was just a one time thing. What did you think of the party?

Josh: it was pretty good. I didn't drink a whole lot because I'm not really into that stuff. I met some cool people and then I met you

Tyler: so I'm "cool"?

Josh: very much so. You were one of the only sober people I came across.

Tyler blushed slightly for some reason.

Tyler: yeah I'm not really a drinker. Oh btw, were you able to see your schedule?

Josh sent him a picture and Tyler scanned the list, his face lighting up with happiness.

Tyler: so we have science, gym, foreign language, lunch for the first half of the year, English, and math together

Josh: wow I got lucky then. I'll have someone to talk to on the first day and all the days after that

Tyler: yeah I'm grateful. Usually none of my close friends are in the same classes but you'll have me to "guide" you through hell

Josh: well I'm sure it won't be so bad now that you're around. Would you wanna show me the school sometime before the year starts? I'd like to set up my locker and stuff

Tyler's heart leapt from his chest.

Tyler: yeah of course. Is ashley going to come or anything?

Josh: nah she said she'll be on vacation. She introduced me to some people and some of the guys are cool but not my kind. You and ashley are kind of all I've got now

Tyler: I see well hopefully my expertise will guide you

And so that was how the rest of the conversation went. Tyler was mostly ecstatic because he didn't have to offer to hang out. He felt awkward trying to make plans but Josh was nice and he was going to see him like he wanted.

They both planned to go to the school on Monday. It would be quiet and wouldn't be bustling with students. Not only did Tyler (selfishly) want to get to know Josh, he also didn't want him to be overwhelmed since the high school was rather big.

Later on in the day, Tyler enjoyed throwing hoops with his dad and did better than the day before. He felt guilty keeping the party and sneaking out from him but it was better that way. He was back on his parents' good side so he wasn't complaining.

Zack still kept pestering him about Melanie Martinez and Tyler just simply scoffed in his face. Madison brought home a project her and her friend made while they were together and Tyler's mom hung it on the fridge. Jay just watched cartoons until it was time for bed.

Everything was alright in the Joseph household. They seemed like an ideal family. Except for the one corrupted child. The one with a different sexuality, the one who was afraid, and most definitely the one with the broken mind. That lost child being Tyler Joseph himself.

 


	7. He Felt Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit guys I'm so so sorry for not updating. I was really busy but I'm probably going to write a new chapter after I post this one. I can't guarantee I'll finish it but after this weekend, I should be back to updating normally. But please leave some lil comments on this chapter because I find it cute and your words always give me reassurance. Thanks for 500+ hits!! Much love :)<3

It was Monday morning before Tyler knew it. He didn't expect Sunday to pass by so quickly.

He had a small panic attack at twelve in the morning on Sunday when he thought about his hang out with Josh. He barely knew him and it scared him that they were going to be alone together. Tyler knew there was nothing going on and that nothing would actually happen which made Tyler more anxious since he desperately hoped something would. He was more lonely than he thought.

Tyler only had his permit so Josh gladly agreed to pick him up. Tyler's mom was home for the day so she let him go. Plus she was ecstatic that Tyler was doing something school related.

He made sure to dress casual but not too sloppily and lazy like he usually did. He threw on a salmon colored shirt he would maybe wear to church and denim shorts that were at an appropriate length with white vans.

He felt colorful and out of place but he shook the feeling off when a silver car pulled up to the curb. Tyler slipped his phone in his pocket with shaky fingers and stepped into the air conditioned car.

Tyler sucked in a breath when he saw Josh's appearance. He had on a black snapback, his pink hair peeking out at the front. His black and grey shirt complimented his tanned arms. Black skinny jeans matching his black converse. Tyler imagined him to be sweating but he looked fine. He was chewing gum as he rested one hand on the wheel and leaned over the console.

"Hey." He smiled politely. Tyler smiled back.

"So I have my schedule here and I pretty much know where everything is so I don't need to do anything specific but I'll help you." Tyler said in the silence, his voice smooth.

Josh's lips disappeared into his mouth and he nodded, putting the gear in drive and heading down Tyler's street.

"I only live like five minutes away from you, dude." Josh said, his voice so casual. Tyler wasn't surprised since he got to his house so quickly.

"Yeah? Well I guess that's beneficial." Tyler said awkwardly. He saw Josh look at him quickly.

Tyler saw a bag at his feet and deemed it as all of Josh's books and materials for his locker.

Josh pulled into the parking lot of Olentangy Orange High School and turned off the engine. They both breathed and smiled carefully at the other before getting their belongings and walking into the school.

"So the senior hallway is this way." Tyler motioned, pointing his thumb to the right of the hallway as they stood in the lobby.

No one was here except for janitors and some teachers Tyler didn't recognize. The two boys' footsteps echoed on the spotless floors.

Eventually, Josh found his locker. He was away from Tyler since their last names were six letters apart but maybe that was a good thing.

Tyler helped Josh open his locker since the locks were strange and had to be turned a certain way. Josh got the hang of it after a few tries, flashing Tyler a grateful smile causing the smaller boy to sweat slightly.

He watched as Josh hung a few photos on the door of his locker and Tyler couldn't help but stare at them.

He saw a picture of him with two girls, noting that in this picture, Josh had blue hair. Was there ever a time when Josh's hair wasn't dyed?

"Those are my sisters Abigail and Ashley." He heard Josh say as he began placing binders in the rectangular locker. Tyler nodded, his heart skipping slightly.

There was a picture with a boy and Josh seemed to look younger. There was no crazy color embedded in his hair. Shortly he explained that was his brother.

Then a few were of his friends from his old school. One picture caught his eye in particular.

"Who's this?" Tyler asked curiously, inspecting the girl's silvery hair that sat in waves upon her shoulders. The picture looked recent and more romantic. And for some reason, that made Tyler nervous.

"Debby." Was all he said, his tone low and distant. Tyler could tell he didn't want to talk about it so he nodded stiffly and stepped away from Josh's locker, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

Judging by the uncomfortable tone in his voice, Tyler knew something was wrong. Maybe she was an ex-girlfriend.

After about fifteen more minutes of Josh talking to Tyler about the school they went on their way to find Josh's classes.

They went to the science room first since that was their first period. They both signed up for some useless marine science class.

Then they went to the gym.

Josh had an economics class with another teacher but Tyler was in the same hallway as him.

They went on like this until they reached eighth period. By this time, Tyler felt more comfortable around Josh. He felt happy to be able to call him his friend.

"So, do you have any questions?" He asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

"What are the people like here?" Tyler was taken aback for a second. He wasn't expecting him to ask that. For some reason, Tyler's mind drifted to the potential labels that would be given to Josh instead of answering his question right away. Josh would automatically be deemed as either "punk" or "bad boy" which summed up to him being "cool" which was what made you socially acceptable.

"Well," Tyler started, leading Josh away from the freshman hallway.

"Everyone's just how you'd expect. Stuck up and rude." Tyler said flatly.

"But you're not like that." Josh complimented shyly. Tyler blushed stupidly.

"Well maybe not. But most people are. Of course you have your cliques and your rumors. Just a word of advice, don't approach people first. Let them come to you because someone will. And I would suggest not associating with the jocks and the "popular" girls." Tyler felt stupid telling Josh this. He probably already knew and he felt like he was saying something out of one of those cheesy high school movies.

"Okay I see. Aren't you a jock though?" Josh teased, raising one eyebrow and nudging Tyler's shoulder. Why did he had goosebumps on his arms now?

"Ashley told you that, didn't she?" Tyler sighed rubbing his face.

Josh laughed softly, "Maybe. She told me you play basketball and that you're one of the best players on the team." Tyler flushed with embarrassment. He was going to kill Ashley which was strange to think since Hayley was always the one to pull this crap.

"I don't know about that. I mean I've had a lot of practice but I don't really even like it that much. And I'm thankfully not classified as a jock. I'm just the quiet kid." Tyler sighed, trying to joke even though the truth was vibrating through his words.

Josh looked a little upset but that only lasted for a few seconds.

"Well, quiet kid, I'm sure you and I will get along just fine. Besides, jocks are dicks anyway." He scoffed, shoving Tyler lightly and walking towards the lobby with a few empty plastic bags.

Tyler just stood at the entrance to the freshman hallway, unmoving and smiling the brightest he's ever had in awhile.

The two boys got back into the car and it was silent for a second but it wasn't awkward.

"I hope today wasn't too boring." Tyler sighed, raising his eyebrows. He didn't feel disappointed with his hang out with Josh but it was school related so it didn't really count for much. He was trying to keep Josh interested in him without giving into his small (SMALL) crush for him. They didn't know each other all that well and Tyler didn't want to be weird. But unfortunately, his socially awkward phrases drove people away when they least expected it.

"Not at all. I'm actually pretty glad you showed me my way around this school because it's huge. I was pretty nervous to ask you to come with me in all honesty." Josh slouched in his seat, his body angled slightly towards Tyler. Tyler wasn't expecting his heart to jolt at his words.

"Why were you nervous?" Tyler asked, stopping himself from almost adding, "you shouldn't have been because you're way cooler than me." But he decided against it. He didn't want his inner depression making him seem bleak and dry.

"Well because you didn't know me. And from the moment I talked to you at the party, I knew you were quiet. I just thought you'd decline is all." Tyler had to refrain himself from closing his eyes and exhaling. Josh was being stupid. Was he basically saying that Tyler intimidated him?

"Like you think, I'm apparently not like everybody else. I'll admit to you, Josh," Tyler started, turning in his seat, "People would think you're totally weird for randomly asking them to tour you around school on a Monday. But the decent people won't actually turn you down. I hate to be so blunt and rude but I just want you to prepare for what you have to face. Being a new kid is hard. I've been there. You seem to have it all put together but I can see you get nervous easily. I know what that's like." Tyler had to cut himself off. He was rambling too much. He wasn't prepared to talk to Josh openly about his anxiety when they've been friends for about three days or so.

Josh just sighed, "I can picture that. The people at my old school were the same way. I was considered "cool" I guess and I had a lot of friends but none of those friends really mattered except for a few. And I ruined that." Josh whispered that last sentence but Tyler caught every word. He saw Josh look up with worry and Tyler knew he should keep his mouth shut even if he was interested and concerned with Josh's past life in his old school.

"Forget I said that." Josh mumbled, turning away from Tyler and putting on his seat belt, starting the car.

Biting his bottom lip nervously, Tyler reached out and caught Josh's hand resting on the gear before he could put it in reverse. He immediately retracted his hand when Josh met his gaze.

"Hey, I can see you're upset. Whaddaya say we hit 7-11 and get some slurpees and snacks and I can show you my favorite hang out spot?" Tyler offered, his voice shaky with the occasional crack.

Josh swam his eyes down to the cup holders for a second and met Tyler's wide brown eyes again. He smiled softly, with a hint of sadness, and nodded, putting the car in reverse.

"I like that idea, Ty." He said, Tyler blushed at the nickname.

Tyler whooped with glee when Josh rolled down the windows and began speeding down the main road by the school.

Tyler held on to his seatbelt for dear life due to Josh's reckless driving but he didn't care that this was dangerous. Hell, he didn't care that anything could happen in a second. He felt alive. And that was worth it if it meant being a little dangerous every once in a while.

 


	8. Quiet Pines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for not updating in a little while. Yesterday was my sweet 16 so it took a lot of planning but my schedule is back to normal now :) I also have my laptop back so I can update quicker with less spelling mistakes. Thank you, guys for all of your support for this story. Omg and also I didn't realize that I mentioned Tyler's song writing and his drumming in the third chapter so I changed around the dialogue in that chapter so this recent chapter is *spoiler alert* technically Tyler and Josh's introduction to music together.

"I don't know how you drink that flavor. It tastes like crap to me." Josh joked, moving his straw in between his teeth as he talked. Tyler just shrugged and kept sipping on his pina colada slurpee while Josh enjoyed the blue raspberry flavor.

"I don't like coconuts but I like this." Tyler said, sipping his drink until there was a gurgling noise, meaning there was no more. Josh still had a good amount of icy slush in his multicolored cup.

"That makes no sense." Josh said.

"I guess it doesn't." Tyler responded. They both sat in silence for a moment, staring down at their treats.

"So what's this "hangout" place you want to take me to?" Josh asked casually, placing his drink in the cup holder and turning on the car. Tyler put his drink down as well.

"It's called Quiet Pines. It's a nature preserve hidden on this special road no one really goes to. Hayley discovered it awhile ago. Her, Pete, and I go there a lot." Tyler knew he was betraying Hayley by giving away their ultra secret hideout but maybe she would understand. Maybe she would see that Tyler really does like Josh and that accepting him into their small group was beneficial.

"Sounds peaceful, honestly."  Josh commented, causing Tyler to sigh contently. His day was turning out really great and he couldn't help but smile.

Tyler guided Josh through the winding roads. Josh accidentally drove past the road they needed to turn on and stopped short, Tyler almost flew from the front seat. Josh laughed, asked if he was okay, and joked enthusiastically about how the road was actually hidden. Tyler teased him saying that he wasn't kidding. They stared into each other's eyes for a brief minute, causing Tyler to face the road so his red cheeks wouldn't be noticeable.

Josh parked outside the entrance of two massive trees and a whole lot of bush. The canopy from the leaves made a dark shadow loom over the car. Acorns fell atop Josh's car, some rolled down the windshield softly.

The two boys got out of the car, their shirts rustling in the slight August breeze. The trees were so green and the smell of fresh dirt was strong. A little bit of water somehow mixed into that smell. It was strange but soothing.

"Wow." Josh whispered, turning around in a circle to admire the view. The road they turned on was barely noticeable and thankfully nobody else was here. Usually no one was.

"Yeah." Tyler breathed, walking to the entrance of Quiet Pines. There was a very tattered sign pinned to one of the trunks of the huge tree. It was metal, the background spray painted white. "Quiet Pines" was written in calligraphy, the baby blue now a dull grey from age and weathering. Dirt was smeared all over the sign and there were a few graffiti drawings on the side but it was like his home. The sign, the dirt road, the acorns that sometimes hit you, everything.

Tyler led Josh through the thicket of leaves, bending down to avoid spider webs and thorny branches. Josh did the same.

Eventually, the small path led them to the clearing of the nature preserve. It was a little more dark in here due to the umbrella-like shields of healthy leaves and spiny branches. Josh looked absolutely mesmerized. And Josh's blissful smile sent butterflies swarming around Tyler's stomach. He was already head over heals for this sweet jerk face.

"Is this where you usually go? This place is huge." Josh smiled, his voice exasperated and light.

"No. We go much deeper. Follow me."

* * *

"This place isn't like any other nature preserve I've seen before." Josh said, trailing slightly behind Tyler. The two boys were slightly out of breath since they had to be careful climbing over thick branches and ducking quickly from falling acorns.

"It is pretty sweet, isn't it? I love coming here whenever I can. Alone mostly." Tyler shrugged, "It helps with my anx-"

"It helps with what?" Josh asked, stopping shortly, now ahead of Tyler. Tyler stuck his hands in his pockets, he felt like he was swallowing saw dust.

"Nothing." Tyler mumbled, turning away from Josh and plucking a flower from the ground. He didn't know which type of flower it was but it was lavender and it was beautiful. Tyler twisted it around in his fingers until he heard footsteps behind him. He dropped the flower and stepped on it. Tyler deemed himself as the flower and his foot as his mental illnesses. Crushing him. Making him weak.

"You know you can tell me what's up, right? I mean I know we haven't been friends for long but I think you're cool, Tyler. And if we are friends, I just want you to know I'm here for you." A weird feeling of warmth spread through Tyler's chest. Tyler put his hands back in his pockets and took a deep breath, turning towards Josh.

"Thanks, man. I don't really want to discuss it but I appreciate it." Josh swallowed and nodded stiffly.

"We're almost at the hangout spot." Tyler said in between the chirping of birds and the slight ruffle of leaves in the breeze.

The atmosphere was so peaceful and serene while there was awkwardness between Tyler and Josh.

Tyler didn't know if he regretted taking Josh here or not. He knew this place was special but he felt selfish. He felt selfish for giving away him, Hayley, and Pete's "hiding" spot from the outside world. He felt selfish for trying to keep Josh to himself. He felt selfish for wanting Josh right away. Tyler just wished he could stop feeling altogether. Sadness and jealousy were overrated. And being alone with Josh in this forest made Tyler feel selfish. He knew Josh would disagree but Tyler wouldn't know what to say. Josh said he was here for Tyler and Tyler wants to believe it. He just doesn't want to burden anyone else with his problems. That's what the song writing was for.

* * *

After walking for fifteen minutes, Tyler stopped. He heard the familiar rush of water from the small pond and saw the outline of the gigantic rock between the shadows of the trees. He motioned for Josh to follow him, the two boys racing their way through dirt and crunchy sticks.

Before Tyler could push through the brush, he stopped Josh mid step. Josh almost tumbled over since he was running. The boys stood, staring  at each other mischievously, their chests rising up and down quickly. Tyler stepped closer to Josh. He felt nervous but he decided to push away the negative feelings for once. He was taller than Josh but Josh was more muscular than him. His skin was clear and Tyler could see the color of his skin in the reflection of Josh's nose ring. His features were all blurry and that made Tyler stir with discomfort. But nonetheless, he stepped forward, the two boys' breaths swirling through the air. Tyler reached up and plucked Josh's snapback from his head and he began to run. He barely had time to admire his mop of pink hair before Josh came running.

Tyler jumped over a large log and ran past the large tanned rock where he usually sat with his friends. He raced down to the pond, lily pads littering the surface of the clear water. There wasn't as many trees above them so the sun was able to shine through and create a beautiful glare on the water. Tyler almost fell into a daze admiring the sight before he heard Josh's labored breaths coming closer. He climbed up on the rock quickly and held up Josh's hat, pretending to be threatening.

"Alright, man, give it back." Josh heaved, placing his hands on his knees to catch his breath.

"Nah. I think I may just throw it in the water." Tyler laughed playfully, holding the black hat out at arms length. With just a little toss, that hat would end up in the pond.

Tyler pretended to throw it and he heard Josh gasp. He knew he was being mean but Josh didn't seem offended or upset.

"Don't make me climb up there and get it. I won't hesitate to throw you in the water." Josh yelled from the bottom of the rock. Tyler just shrugged.

"Ok fine. Maybe I'll just keep it." He said, placing the hat on his head and turning it around like Josh usually did. He smiled stupidly and watched as Josh folded his arms and rolled his eyes. His face seemed to be glistening with sweat and his pink hair was frizzy and damp.

"Aren't you hot in all that black? Maybe I should push you in for a swim." Tyler called down, Josh's hat making Tyler's head uncomfortably warm. How did the guy wear so much coverage without sweating most of the time?

"Alright that's it." Josh joked, running towards the rock. Tyler began to panic slightly, not an actual panic attack but he didn't think Josh was going to climb up. His heart skipped a beat when he realized he could get hurt. Tyler was used to climbing and plus he was athletic so he knew his way around the crevices of the large rock.

"Wait!" Tyler called out but Josh didn't even have his hands on the rock. He was looking down at something.

"Well what do we have here?" He said, picking up a blue leather notebook that had streaks of dirt on the cover. Tyler's face grew pale when he saw the journal. It was his. He kept a secret journal out here for him to write his songs. He kept one at home and one here. He cursed himself for not hiding it better.

"Josh, please, no." His voice was desperate as he slid his body down the painful ridges of the rock. He didn't care about getting cuts and scratches in the attempt of stopping Josh from opening that book. But it was too late, he already opened the cover.

Tyler landed roughly on the ground, his ankles screaming with pain but he didn't care. He took of Josh's hat, his hair wet now.

"Is this yours?" Josh asked, his voice was quiet. He looked up when Tyler didn't answer right away and the younger boy just simply nodded.

"Is this a song?" He asked.

"How much did you read?" Tyler asked quietly, his face growing hot with embarrassment.

"I just saw the date and I only saw the structure of your writing. Am I allowed to read it?" Tyler sucked in a breath, placing Josh's hat back on his head. Josh adjusted his snapback with one hand while still holding the small blue journal.

"Can I read it outloud to you instead? It makes me feel better that way."

"Of course." Josh said, handing the book over. The stifling heat seemed to grow more intense as it beat down on the back of Tyler's neck, his skin slippery. The leather made his hands clammy and he found himself fidgeting from foot to foot. He knew he could trust Josh and he knew he wouldn't tease him. Tyler just felt odd because no one was ever interested in his song writing before. Hayley and Pete didn't know this book existed. Tyler tried to hide the book someplace new whenever he came here with company. Writing at home and writing at Quiet Pines were two completely different mindsets. Like an alternate universe in Tyler's mind. So he kept a journal at both places.

His home was to embrace the illnesses and try to fight it whilst Quiet Pines released him. His tears were embedded somewhere in this large rock.

Tyler inhaled again, the stale oxygen not doing much for his lungs but he cleared his throat and began to read,

_"Nobody thinks what I think,_  
_Nobody dreams when they blink_  
_Think things on the brink of blasphemy_  
_I'm my own shrink_  
_Think things are after me, my catastrophe_  
_At my kitchen sink,_  
_You don't know what that means_  
_Because a kitchen sink to you_  
_Is not a kitchen sink to me, OK friend?_  
_Are you searching for purpose?_  
_Then write something, yeah it might be worthless_  
_Then paint something then, it might be wordless_  
_Pointless curses, nonsense verses_  
_You'll see purpose start to surface_  
_No one else is dealing with your demons_  
_Meaning maybe defeating them_  
_Could be the beginning of your meaning, friend."_

"Wow." Josh barely whispered. Tyler looked up. Josh's eyes were staring at the ground. He looked shocked and pale. Tyler swallowed nervously. This was what he was afraid of. Judgment. Pity. Empathy. Sorrow.

"You're an amazing writer, Tyler. I know there's more to it but you don't have to read it to me if you don't want to." Josh couldn't help but really blush this time. It was so bright and pink that Josh was bound to notice. And he did because he blushed as well. Tyler closed the book and began to rock back and forth, smiling softly at the pale yellow leaves lining the ground.

"That means a lot to me. Thank you. I enjoy writing these songs." Which was the truth.

"So you're into music?" Tyler raised his eyebrows at the question.

He shrugged, "I mean I guess so. I've never really done anything music related before. My whole life has mostly been basketball and when I realized that wasn't an outlet for me, I decided to try something different." Josh nodded with understanding.

"I don't know what else you write because this is a pretty tattered looking book but this is good, Tyler. I'm into music too. I play the drums on my own time. Self taught mostly." He said. Tyler looked up at him again. His heart was beating quickly now. Josh played the drums. He taught himself? Tyler couldn't take much more of his good qualities.

"What are you trying to say?" Tyler asked curiously. He didn't mean to sound sly but at least he didn't sound rude.

"I'm saying that you should keep writing. From what you just read to me, you have a lot to say that you don't talk about with anyone else. I know what that's like. And if you ever want to, you know, sing those words some time, I can help you out." Tyler's breath hitched in his throat at the offer. Josh sounded so excited talking about music with Tyler and that made him ecstatic. He was so thankful to have bonded with someone who had similar interests. Hayley and Pete were also into music but they didn't understand what Tyler wrote most of the time. He technically never showed them much because he was afraid. But hearing Josh compliment him and encourage him to keep pouring his feelings into verses motivated him.

"That'd be awesome. I can also play some piano too but not much. I'm still learning." Josh's eyes lit up again and Tyler broke out into a heart warming smile.

"That's really great. I'm so glad I know this now. Listen, you don't have to send me the rest of this song but if you want to read it to me, let me know. I don't care what time it is." And Tyler knew he was being genuine. Tyler really couldn't stop smiling. __

* * *

When Tyler went home that evening, his parents and siblings kept trying to push him to tell them what he was so happy about. He had his dirty journal behind his back and he just gave them some high lights of his hangout with Josh. Except the discussion of writing songs of course.

Tyler washed off the notebook and hid it under his pillow while he took out the trash and helped prepare for dinner.

Tonight, Tyler actually engaged in the conversations at the dinner table and didn't dwell on the fact that he wasn't happy. He was happy tonight and he was so damn grateful for it. And for once, he wasn't afraid to be alone with his thoughts. And by the time he climbed into bed that night, he took out his phone.

Of course he had missed messages from Hayley that he responded to quickly. He also assured Ashley he was okay. But he opened his inbox and found Josh's contact, their past messages gleaming before his eyes.

He began to type the words written in his journal. He read over the words to make sure there were no spelling mistakes. He read it again to himself just for the hell of it,

Tyler: I decided to call this one kitchen sink- _" Nobody thinks what you think, no one_  
_Empathy might be on the brink of extinction_  
_They will play a game and say_  
_They know what you're going through_  
_And I tried to come up with an artistic way to say_  
_They don't know you, and neither do I_  
_So here's a prime example of a stand up guy_  
_Who hates what he believes and loves it at the same time_  
_Here's my brother and his head's screwed up_  
_But that's alright."_ p.s., my brother isn't actually going to rap but might as well put something in there anyway. I'm grateful for our hangout today. Goodnight.

Tyler exhaled contently when his message sent. He locked his phone and put the journal back underneath his pillow and turned on his side. He felt pretty great. He felt alive again. But he knew these feelings worked like caffeine. He was energized and well.

But eventually, the high would wear off and he'd be alone again. The depression would crush him and the anxiety will consume him. Just to be safe, Tyler reached into his draw and pulled out a familiar rubber band and put it on his wrist. Snapping it to make sure he was alright. That he could feel something. And that was something he hasn't done in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, I always get confused because I don't know if the lyrics are "I'm a kitchen sink" or "at my kitchen sink"?? I always hear different lyrics but please correct me if I'm wrong. I hope ya'll enjoyed this chapter :)


	9. Let's Talk About Josh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So somebody brought it to my attention that my story is "completed"? I haven't seen anything like that but just to clarify, this story is ongoing as of right now. I'll try to change it later but I'm just lazy right now :p

Josh responded to Tyler the next morning with a shower of compliments. The rubber band weighed heavy on Tyler's wrist but he knew it'd be safer to keep it on. But aside from that, he was pretty happy. Josh had to help unpack a couch or something with his family so he wasn't able to talk to Tyler all day. But when in doubt, Hayley came knocking on Tyler's door without any warning.

"Tyler! Hayley's here!" His mother called from downstairs. Tyler got up and changed into clothes quickly and went downstairs, pocketing his phone.

"Hey!" Hayley said, walking past his mother and bumping her arm into Tyler's. Tyler smiled softly and Hayley grabbed his arm and led him through the house.

"Nice seeing you, Mrs. Joseph!" She called out, dragging Tyler to the entrance of his basement. Tyler was extremely confused with Hayley's rushed behavior but he followed her anyway.

She shut the door and the two trampled downstairs.

"What are you dragging me for?" Tyler asked, slightly irritated. Hayley turned around with a wide smile and plopped down onto the couch down there and Tyler followed.

"So." She said, exhaling.

"So?" Tyler asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Josh, dummy!" Hayley cried out, slapping Tyler's arm and then dropping her hands into her lap. Tyler had to keep his eyes from bulging out of his head.

"W-what about Josh?" He throat was dry. He didn't know why he was getting all choked up and nervous talking about Josh. They were just friends. Plus, Hayley wouldn't judge him so what was the problem?

"Don't pull that shit with me. How was it talking to him at the party?" Tyler breathed a sigh of relief. He thought she knew something more.

"It was fine. I mean of course it was a little awkward at first but he's nice. I told him to cut it with Ashley because you know, he told me he didn't really like her." Tyler spoke easily. He felt good to tell the truth. He also wouldn't mind talking about Josh for an hour or two.

"No you didn't, Tyler. Oh my gosh you're crazy!" She laughed and Tyler felt embarrassed once more. Should he not have said anything?

"Uh-" Was all he could get out.

"I had no idea him and Ash were hooking up. But whatever do you like him?" Tyler bit his lip, he knew the question was coming sooner than later. Hayley was so bright and enthusiastic but also quite nosy. Tyler hated to think of her that way so he just decided to be honest. She was one of his best friends after all.

"I don't know, Hayley. I mean he was nice at the party and he works at a music store. He gave me his number so we could compare schedules and then we hung out on Monday at the school." Tyler decided to leave out the part where he took him to the top secret hang out and read him song lyrics in the middle of a forest. It sounded sappy.

"No way! That must automatically mean he's into music. I know you like it." She teased, nudging her shoulder into Tyler's. Tyler tried his best not to sound so nervous when he laughed. And so Hayley kept pushing Tyler to admit something about Josh. He appreciated Hayley looking out for him and volunteering to jump start the relationship but there was one problem.

* * *

"I don't know if Josh is gay." Tyler said sometime later when they were sitting in his backyard drinking lemonade. He had to speak quietly.

"C'mon, Tyler. If I was a dude, I'd be gay for you." Tyler blushed at the statement, chewing on his straw to avoid the smile that wanted to spread his lips apart.

"In your dreams." Tyler teased and Hayley lightly punched him. He valued their relationship so much.

"You know what's weird? I don't even know his last name and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know mine." Tyler felt awkward admitting that out loud. Him and Josh had a good friendship going and he didn't even know the kid's last name. How embarrassing was that?

"Dun." He heard Hayley say.

"What?"

"Dun. His last name is Dun." She said, sipping her drink.

"Josh Dun?" He said, the name making his lips tingle as he spoke them.

"Yep. Ashley told me." Tyler nodded.

Josh Dun. He liked it.

* * *

Tyler: Joseph.

Tyler sent the message after Hayley left.

Josh: what?

Tyler: That's my last name

Josh: oh. well mine's Dun.

Tyler: I know

Josh: How did you know?

Tyler: I have my ways

Josh: Care to tell me?

Tyler: Maybe I want to keep it a secret

Josh: Or you could meet me at the Guitar Center tomorrow and tell me

It wasn't a question. Tyler felt his heart skip and his fingers hovered over the keypad, his thoughts intervening. Josh wanted to see him again.

Tyler put his phone down. He was being so stupid. He had a small crush on Josh and it was contorting his perspective on their friendship. He kept seeing these texts as flirts and hidden feelings which may have been true on Tyler's end but Josh was just probably playing along. Josh couldn't be gay. He didn't seem like it at all. But neither did Tyler.

Tyler just wished he liked girls. Well, he did technically like girls. It's just that Josh's personality and good looks were getting in the way of that boundary Tyler has tried crossing before. He's never experimented with his sexuality but when Sydney moved away and he realized everyone else didn't compare to her, he shut off his feelings. He didn't love Sydney since they were more like friends but still. Sydney and Hayley are the only girls Tyler has ever wanted to be with. Josh was brand new territory.

Tyler just had to accept that he was bisexual or whatever Hayley said. And it sucked.

Tyler: Sure

That wasmas all Tyler responded. He was going to add another snarky remark but he didn't feel like being let down with strange feelings. But it was whatever. He was going to see Josh again tomorrow. Maybe he would show him his apparent drum skills. Tyler would really like that.

Tyler looked down at the rubber band before pulling out his journal. The one he kept at home. He wrote in it.

_"Sing a song but don't believe_   
_Blasphemy is just for me_   
_Hypocrite, take your pick_   
_Cause the poison's on my lips_   
  
_Can I understand you?_   
_Can I understand you?_   
_Can I understand you?_   
_Can I understand you?"_

Tyler had no clue where exactly this song was going but it was so dear to him. Everything he wrote was personal and it was crystal clear why he didn't show any one. But nonetheless, he was determined to make these into songs. And for some reason, this strange sense of motivation laced its way through his bones. He wanted to sing for Josh. He's only really sang in front of Hayley and his mom and they were nothing but kind about his voice. He knew that wasn't much to go off of but he pulled out his keyboard from underneath his bed.

He had the keys labeled with letters since he didn't fully understand the piano yet but he felt so in the zone coming up with two chords to play while he sang his words. He did this until it was almost midnight. And as he finally wrote the remaining lyrics, he collapsed onto his pillow, the skin from his thumbs rubbed red and his wrists aching from trying to play with both hands on the piano.

But he smiled and closed the journal. Blasphemy was his first completed song and he didn't know how to feel about that. The lyrics were heavy and the melody was rusty and imperfect but it was something Tyler created and he couldn't have wished for something more.

He was going to sing for Josh tomorrow. He was going to play the piano for Josh tomorrow. He was going to do something. And that amount of motivation was enough to keep him awake, awaiting the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter is rushed and short. I wasn't feeling motivated to write this week since I was focused on other things but the chapter should be much better and more cute tomorrow. Hope you enjoyed, though!


	10. Guitar Center

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my Twenty One Pilots concert was Thursday night and it was phenomenal. I had two major breakdowns during Trees and Kitchen Sink and it was just such a surreal moment for me. And I'm so thankful I was apart of the sold out crowd for Madison Square Garden on night 2. I wouldn't trade my happiness for the world. I can't wait to see those two dorks again in January. My Instagram account is @thefairlylocals if you want to see some of the videos I posted. I also apologize for not updating. I was excited and then drained from the concert but this chapter should be okay! Have a good day, frens |-/

Tyler didn't feel like asking for a ride from either one of his parents because he didn't want them to ask questions. They don't know about Tyler's secret interest in music and Tyler really didn't feel like explaining the two secret journals he had in his room filled with depressing song lyrics.

He considered asking Hayley for a ride but he also didn't feel like being pestered by her after they hung out. If she was already pushing him to admit his feelings and give him every detail, he would lose his mind if he had to sit in the car with her for five minutes. He didn't even tell her or Pete about how they went to Quiet Pines.

So he decided to walk. At around eight, he ate breakfast and fed Madison and Jay. Zack was listening to music as he ignored his siblings on his way to make breakfast.

"I'm going out soon." Tyler said, yanking one headphone from Zack's ear. Zack grumbled and paused his music. He put his phone down and opened a cabinet, retrieving a bowl.

"Again?" Zack whined. Tyler exhaled. Zack was always the one who went out with his friends. Tyler never did this much. Let alone three major events in the span of a week. And plus, he was older. He deserved this. Or at least Tyler thought so.

"Hey, don't get all whiny about it. You're going out tonight anyway. I'm just going somewhere for a little bit." Tyler shot back, trying his best to be stern yet light hearted at the same time.

"Fine. But I'm not cleaning the bathroom tonight. Where are you even going anyway?" He asked, leaning against the counter with the bowl still in his hand.

Tyler rolled his eyes, "That's none of your business." Zack raised his eyebrows. His eyes sparkled with mischief and Tyler knew he should have just lied.

"Hooking up with a girl?" Zack asked, snickering. Tyler raised his eyebrows, his chest almost swarmed with disbelief until he realized he was talking to Zack Joseph. The kid who adored girls and always had girls on his mind.

"No." Tyler said flatly, grabbing himself a water bottle from the fridge.

"Is it Hayley?" Tyler almost laughed.

"No, gross. Quit prying or you'll be cleaning up the backyard instead." Tyler spat and Zack stayed quiet, filling his bowl with cereal as he chuckled to himself.

* * *

Tyler inspected himself in the mirror for a whole ten minutes. He put on a black and white striped shirt with black pants that stopped near his ankles and black vans. He didn't know how he felt about the outfit. He felt that he was overdressed to be going to a music store. With his insecurities creeping into the back of his mind, he changed. This time he sported just a normal grey t-shirt and black bottoms. He felt casual. Safe.

He made his way back downstairs and slipped his phone into his pocket. It was about noon now since Tyler didn't want to head there too early. He said goodbye to his siblings and sent a text to his parents that he'd be out. He told them the truth about meeting up with Josh but he only said he was a friend. Which really was the truth.

On the way to Guitar Center, he stopped at a 7-11. He grabbed two slurpees. One Pina Colada. The other one blue raspberry.

The day was sunny and extremely hot. Tyler instantly regretted wearing pants and dark colors. But the music store wasn't too far away so he decided to cool down by pressing his cold slurpee to his forehead. That worked for a whole three minutes. But either way, he stepped into the air conditioned store and he felt relief.

Before Tyler could spot that signature snapback, he scanned his eyes across the place. He was overwhelmed by the amount of instruments surrounding the premise. He's only been to a music store maybe a total of three or four times in his life. He wanted to play flute in the fifth grade but quickly dropped it after having the instrument for a good two weeks. But now, he felt better being here. Maybe he could snag some music and try to play it on his keyboard at home.

"Tyler?" He heard that kind voice. Tyler's skin prickled and he turned to Josh. Tyler couldn't help but let his eyes hover from his warm eyes to his loud t-shirt.

"Hey." Tyler said shyly, making his way to the register.

"I got this for you." He said, feeling awkward. He handed Josh his slurpee like he was handing him flowers. Josh's eyes lit up, going from warm to pure sunshine.

"That's so weird. I was actually craving one these. Thanks so much, dude." He said, sipping on it.

"No problem. And plus I'm glad you invited me here today. Staying home with my siblings is so boring." He sighed, leaning on the counter and sipping his own drink.

"You have siblings?" Josh asked. Tyler nodded, "Yeah, two brothers and one sister. It gets pretty crowded and suffocating sometimes." He laughed and Josh laughed too, nodding his head in agreement.

"I know the feeling. And I'm glad you actually showed up. Business is usually really slow on the weekdays and I'm not under crazy super vision so I can basically just sit back and relax this whole time." Tyler listened intently, but he found himself zoning out every now and then when he would see Josh's lips curve up into a smile. It was moments like these when he wished he were one hundred percent straight. There was no way Josh would go for Tyler. He had an ex-girlfriend named Debby and he made out with Ashley. If that wasn't enough of a sign, then Tyler didn't know what to think.

"That sounds cool. I don't work even though I probably should." Tyler laughed nervously, shoving his hands into his pockets and rocking back and forth on his heels.

"Don't worry about it. If it weren't for the drums, I wouldn't be here." Tyler's ears pricked. "That's right, the drums. Care to show me?" Josh smiled widely and Tyler had time to appreciate his perfect teeth and adorable smile. Tyler could tell music made Josh really happy. That made Tyler really happy too.

* * *

Tyler was in awe by the time Josh was practically sweating from beating the crap out of this instrument. The way his arms moved so effortlessly to create something magical. The way the beat made Tyler's heart jump each time a drumstick collided to support Josh's pace. Tyler looked at him with adoration and he couldn't help but fall for him harder without meaning to. He wondered if Josh could sing.

"Oh my God." Was all Tyler could get out. Josh was breathing heavily and smiling down like he received an award and had the medal wrapped around his neck. Tyler felt so proud of him in this moment. He couldn't believe this kid taught himself to play and become majorly talented. He also wondered if Josh was in a band.

"You're seriously so amazing. I don't think I have enough words to compliment you. You're really dedicated to these drums and your love for music. I really admire that." Josh looked taken aback, maybe almost teary eyed but Tyler couldn't tell. He set down the drumsticks.

"Thank you. I'm glad you got to be the first of my new friends to see what I've learned. But honestly, I value your opinion more. After I've heard what you wrote, I'm just-I don't know interested in your type of music. Would you want to show me something?" Tyler's heart fluttered. Josh was glad to have Tyler listen to him play. Tyler was the first one out of his new group of friends to witness his talent. Josh valued his opinion on him. Josh wanted to know more about him. And his music. As much as all of those were positive, the negative swarmed in, stomping his hopes. Tyler didn't know if he felt comfortable opening himself up to Josh who wasn't all that close to him. Tyler wrote about his anxiety, his deepest innermost thoughts which always seemed to be dark.

Tyler shrugged shyly, realizing he was zoning out again.

"You don't have to show me if you don't want to. But we have a piano downstairs if you're interested." Tyler just kept staring at the carpeted floor, he was interested in playing a real piano that was way better than the one he had at home. He sighed and looked up, refusing to make eye contact with Josh to avoid himself from blushing. "Alright." Tyler said.

* * *

The basement to the music store was decorated nicely. The floor was still carpeted but chairs lined a white wall all the way down the slim hallway where there was a bathroom. Side tables with magazines sat untouched between chairs. On the left side of the wall were many rooms with numbers on them. Tyler could hear someone playing the trumpet he thought in one of the rooms.

Josh led him to the very last room where a shiny black piano gleamed in the white light, it looked angelic to him and suddenly he was overwhelmed and hot. The piano looked so much more complicated in a much bigger form. Tyler wasn't sure what to do. But the bench looked so welcoming. Josh sat on a chair in there, his legs apart as he clasped his hands.

"So I don't want to pressure you, of course. I don't know if you sing but I'm just really interested with your song writing. And I know I've heard only read one thing. Kitchen Sink, right?" He asked. Tyler nodded, swallowing nervously and sitting at the piano. He appreciated Josh's kindness so much but he wasn't sure if he could do this.

"I don't really know what I want to do with Kitchen Sink yet. B-but I wr-wrote somethin' else." His voice was shaking and Josh could see it. He felt bad for making Josh looked worried.

He stood up and gripped Tyler's shoulder reassuringly, "Hey, Tyler, if you don't want to do this you don't have to. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm pushing you. That's not what I want to do. We can go somewhere for lunch if you want instead." His eyebrows were furrowed, his eyes showing nothing but kindness.

Tyler shook his head and exhaled, trying his best to not let his anxiety win. If Josh could perform in front of him so effortlessly, so could Tyler. And even if Tyler wasn't as talented, he knew Josh wouldn't judge him and that he would be nothing but supportive. That gave him some sort of hope.

"I got this." He whispered.

"Are you sure?" Josh asked one last time, lifting his hand slowly from Tyler's shoulder. Tyler wished his hand was still there. His touch made him feel safe. But Tyler nodded. Josh cleared his throat and sat down again.

Tyler stretched his hands and moved himself closer to the keys. He exhaled loudly and began to play the two chords to Blasphemy. With his nerves bouncing around and his voice shaking, he sang.

"I start to part two halves of my heart in the dark and I  
Don't know where I should go  
And the tears and the fears begin to multiply  
Taking time in a simple place  
In my bed where my head rests on a pillowcase  
And it's said that a war's led but I forget  
That I let another day go by  
I want to be afraid but it seems that these days  
I'm caught under water and I'm falling farther  
My heart's getting harder, I'm calling my father  
Am I screaming to an empty sky?  
Empty sky, no way, that's me cause one half of my heart is free  
Empty sky, no way, that's me cause the other half of my heart's asleep." He felt weird singing out loud. He didn't do it often but it felt good. It felt right. He lost himself as he kept singing and playing. His fingers messed up every now and then but he spoke his words fast and with precision. His heart sped up as he reached the second verse. He didn't even bother to open his eyes because he knew having someone watch him would scare him all over again.

But when he finished the second verse, all these news words came rushing into his head as his fingers took a turn and stopped to breathe for a second. But he felt himself shake and he felt himself sniffling when a force stronger than him pulled a scream from his lungs.

"I want to be alive  
When you see my eyes  
Can I see your eyes?  
Can I see your eyes?  
  
Can I see your eyes  
Can I see your eyes?  
Can I see your eyes?  
Can I see?  
I want to be alive  
When you see my eyes  
Can I see your eyes?  
Can I see your eyes?"

As Tyler kept screaming, he felt his throat go raw but the emotions creeping up inside him made the screaming feel good. Like he was screaming at the inner demons that infested his mind everyday. He felt a tear roll down his cheek. Then another. And then he realized he was crying roughly when he finished the last verse, his fingers slowing on the keys.

"Let the water wash away  
Everything that you've become  
On your knees, today is gone  
And tomorrow's sure to come  
Tomorrow's sure to come."

He lifted his fingers from the keys and gripped the piano bench, pushing away from the instrument as he put his head between his legs and began to inhale and exhale. He felt a panic attack coming on as the tears kept leaking from his eyes. He didn't want this. He was showing weakness. He was embarrassing himself in front of Josh. This is not what he planned. This is not what he had planned.

He looked up quickly and he could have sworn he saw Josh wipe his eyes. Maybe he heard a sniffle but he wasn't sure.

"Tyler." Josh said, his voice thick. But Tyler stood up, knocking the piano bench over and making his way for the door, holding his chin as more tears glided over his knuckles.

"I'm sorry." He said breathlessly, pushing his way out the door and running upstairs and out of the music store. The August heat welcomed him and Tyler embraced it. Even if it was hot and sticky, he felt like he could breathe. But he ran through the parking lot as soon as he heard someone screaming his name. Tyler turned back for a second, his surroundings bouncing as he jogged. But he only saw pink hair and that was all Tyler needed to pump his legs harder as he ran home.

 


	11. Hayley's Plans

Tyler stood heaving on his front lawn before he went back inside his house. He basically ran all the way home and he couldn't breathe. His shirt was soaking wet and he probably smelled but he didn't care in that moment. He could feel his phone buzzing violently in his pocket, the stupid thing feeling so heavy in his pocket because he knew who was texting him. Josh Dun. Josh freaking Dun.

Tyler felt so embarrassed breaking down in front of a semi stranger. All chances with Josh and becoming closer with him were completely thrown out the window. He felt so weak and he knew he looked like a cry baby. He should have never performed in front of him. He will never perform in front of anyone again. Should he even write music anymore? He didn't know.

By the time he calmed down, Tyler wiped his eyes and snapped the rubber band hanging loosely from his wrist so he didn't give into pain. He needed to be strong. These feelings would be temporary. If Josh really didn't want anything to do with Tyler, he probably wouldn't be blowing up his phone. Tyler just wished he could have been more stable and not so awkward. He really wanted to grow closer to Josh as a friend since he hasn't made very many these days. And Josh also needed him so he wasn't alone during the school year since he was a new kid.

Tyler made his way through the door and headed straight for the stairs and then to his room. He thought about writing but he really didn't feel picking a fight with his own mind.

He showered and changed. He still was too afraid to check his phone. He tried his best not to think about the events that happened hours ago but he couldn't help it. He embarrassed himself in front of Josh. But he also showed him something he would never show anyone else. Not even Hayley. He felt comfortable enough around Josh to share something so personal with him.

Tyler lay down on his bed with his arms resting behind his head on top of his pillow. He wanted to smile when he pictured Josh drumming. But he didn't. However, he did smile because of how amazing Josh's drums would sound in Blasphemy. But his lips deflated into a thin line again when he thought back to what happened before in slow motion. Him breaking down, panicking, and running out of the room. He knew Josh wasn't going to criticize him or be mean. So why was he so afraid? Why did he cry so much? Was his mental health really that screwed up? Guess so.

After napping away all the stress, Tyler built up the courage to check his phone. He had at least eight texts from Hayley. There were two from Josh. He gulped.

Hayley: hey

Hayley: helloooooooo?!!

Hayley: TYJOOOOOOO

Hayley: what the fuck r u doin???

Hayley: ANSWER ME I HAVE TO TELL U SOMETHING

Hayley: TY

Hayley: JO

Hayley: omfg

Tyler groaned but also chuckled slightly at Hayley's lack of patience. She was always on her phone and she was always texting Tyler first. Tyler never knew why she stuck around to be his friend for so many years. They seemed to be opposites.

Josh: Listen, dude, I'm not sure what went on today but I feel really bad about it. You did great and I hate to admit it because I'm a guy and all but you moved me to tears. It was odd to see someone break down but then I realized it was beautiful because of how passionate you looked. You sounded great but I won't pry. I just hope you're ok.

Josh: Oh and you don't have to answer. I just want to apologize again for pressuring you to do this. Sorry.

Tyler could feel the embarrassment creeping up into his cheeks again. He did a really crappy thing today. Him being at fault. His mental illness contributed to. It was like his anxiety was controlling the situation. He was so weak. But Tyler struggled for fifteen minutes deciding what to say. When he began to feel a painful pulse surge through his right temple, he gave up and texted Hayley.

Tyler: whaddya want, ya jerk?

Tyler didn't even have time to shut his phone off when she instantly texted back.

Hayley: FINALLY GODDAMMIT

Tyler: lol what's up?

Hayley: I shouldn't even tell u now since u rudely ignored me all day long

Tyler: well would it make you feel better if I told you I was with Josh?

Hayley: NO WAAAYYY YOU TOTALLY LIKE HIM

Tyler: I never said that. he's really cool and I like hanging out with him

Hayley: ;)

Tyler: shut up. it's nothing

Hayley: I would love to talk about you and Josh but I have a preposition that involves Josh so that's more important right now

Tyler's heart skipped a beat. He rubbed his eyes and breathed out, a groan of frustration escaping his lips. It was times like this when he wished Hayley were actually pestering him about what went on between him and Josh today. At least he could lie about that. When Hayley had plans or had her mind set on something, there was no way Tyler could weasel out of her plans. She knew him like a book. That book being blank pages because Tyler had no life. And if Tyler lied about visiting a family member or basketball training, Hayley would confirm with his family with her punk charm. She was impossible and Tyler loved that. But not today. Of course on all days, this day has to be the one where she wants to officially include Josh in their group. Of course when there's awkwardness and a potential dead friendship between Tyler and Josh.

Tyler: what is it?

Hayley: so brendon's party kinda sucked for all of us. so I wanna have a bonfire. don't worry, tyler, it wont be anything too crazy. just gonna have you, ash, pete, josh, Patrick, jenna, and avril come chill in my backyard with s'mores and shit.

Tyler bit his lip when he read the text. He didn't know how he felt about this hangout. He wouldn't mind if it was just him and Hayley but this seemed chaotic. Tyler had no idea how Ashley and Josh would react being together again. Tyler had no clue if they were talking still since the party but it would be pretty awkward if they weren't and then they get thrown together at this bonfire. Josh did reject Ashley and her feelings after all.

Tyler has also felt distant with Pete since the party. He hasn't talked to him at all but they weren't all that great of friends anyway. Patrick was cool so at least him and Pete had each other's company.

Jenna made Tyler nervous. He suspects that she has a crush on him. Or did. He remembers meeting her for the first time and she was truly lovely. She was drop dead gorgeous too. If it wasn't for Josh, he could see himself with Jenna. He would like that.

And Avril was this scene chick Hayley was close with. Tyler didn't really know her at all.

Tyler: I don't know if this is a good idea

Hayley: why not?? itll give u and josh some more time to reconnect if u know what I mean

Tyler groaned again and dropped his phone, leaning back onto his pillow. Hayley was either acting really deep or really silly. There was no in between. Sometimes she could be so lost in her own world it was scary. But Tyler also had to realize that Hayley had no clue what was going on in his life. She's aware of his anxiety but he refuses to tell her anything else which is weird since they're supposed to be best friends.

Tyler: well for starters, I don't know if josh and Ashley are on speaking terms. and plus, things didn't go so well for josh and I today

Hayley: oh who cares about them two and their drama. josh is ur man!!! and what happened?? u never tell me anything anymore lol

Tyler's fingers hovered over the keyboard with hesitation. Should he lie? He knew no matter what he said, Hayley knew he liked Josh.

Tyler: well he invited me to his job today and he played the drums for me. he's really fricking good. and then he asked me to do something music related so I played the piano for him and it was just awkward and I walked out. I don't think he's mad at me. he told me he was sorry even though it was my fault but still

Hayley: tyjo is playing the piano now??

Tyler rolled his eyes.

Tyler: that's not the point

Hayley: lol I know. well if he's really not mad at u then whats the problem?? from what ive seen, josh is a really cool guy. don't let ur dumb thoughts tell u otherwise. ur stronger than what the dark parts say about you, ty, don't forget. go and text him. tell him ur also sorry too and tell him about the bonfire. ill work things out with ash. u know I don't like it when u suffer.

Tyler's heart felt warm. He loved how easily Hayley was able to break out of her shell of sunshine and sprinkle good feelings over Tyler. Hayley was another reason why Tyler stays strong everyday. He couldn't stand to know that she was sad or hurting. Hayley has suffered with depression before and Tyler would do anything and everything in his power to make sure she was okay.

Tyler: I'm just being annoying and overthinking again. but thank you for bringing me up like you always do. I'll text him now with an apology and about the bonfire. I don't know what I'd do without you

Hayley: die

Tyler laughed.

After he ate dinner and shot hoops, he settled into bed for the night, his mind at ease. The rubber band rubbed against his arm hair uncomfortably but Tyler knew he wasn't ready to take it off. He shrugged off the nagging feeling of sadness as it crept near the edge of his bed like it always did. He was always thinking and he was always losing this weird invisible battle in his head. But the blanket of sleep persisted to wrap itself around his shoulders and tug on his wrist. He had to text Josh before his eyes closed for an endless eight hour sleep.

Tyler: I'm sorry for not responding. I feel really bad too. it's just-I've got a lot of issues and showing you what I did today was a gigantic step for me. I'm not going to tell you that I'm okay now or that I'm better because I'd be lying and I don't want to lie to you. but I am deeply sorry for embarrassing myself and for making you feel like crap. I just get panicky and I felt self conscious singing my own words and the song I wrote is personal to me so it was a little overwhelming. none of this was your fault, please remember that. but I hope you and I can move aside from this and continue climbing up this latter of friendship because I really enjoy talking to you. and Hayley is having some sort of bonfire party soon with a couple of friends so let me know if you're interested. goodnight, josh

Tyler had no energy to contemplate how sappy that sounded. He put a lot of feeling into such a short paragraph but he felt relief. Josh didn't deserve to bear Tyler's problems and Tyler didn't deserve Josh's kindness. But Tyler hoped that Josh would forgive him and not see him as some sort of freak. But deep down in a crevice of Tyler's brain, Tyler knew Josh would forgive him and that they would be okay. It was all going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to clarify this just in case anyone says anything: I love Jenna so so much (we even share the same name!) and I ship Jyler to the max. But alas, this a Joshler fic so Jenna and Tyler are not an item in this "universe". But I love the both of them so much and I look up to Jenna so I just wanted to bring attention to that. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! You can leave your own predictions about the upcoming bonfire if you want! I'd love to read them :)


	12. The Good, The Bad, and Brendon

"Zack, you fricking jerk, give me my phone!" Tyler yelled from the stairs. Zack was sprinting down the carpeted steps, two at a time. Tyler was furious, he actually believed he was going to commit murder today.

Zack thought it'd be funny to take his phone and text Hayley inappropriate text messages. Tyler had no clue why Zack wanted to do that or why he thought it was funny but Tyler wanted to punch him. Josh probably texted him and he would have had no clue because his idiot of a brother decided to steal his phone.

He ran after Zack through the house, Jay wanted to tag along with the chase but Tyler shoved him out of the way. Zack was about to bust out the back door, snickering as he opened Tyler's phone.

"Zack!" He screeched, his blood boiling with anger. But before Zack could run out the door and lose Tyler, someone stepped into Zack's way. Zack gasped and collided with their father's stomach, almost dropping Tyler's phone on the kitchen floor. Tyler skidded to a stop behind Zack and folded his arms, trying his best not to smirk.

"What's going on here?" Their father asked, his expression annoyed. Zack was breathless.

"Zack stole my phone. I would like it back." He scowled, snatching his phone from Zack's grip. Their father eyed Zack menacingly and Tyler felt a feeling of triumph until there was a tap on his shoulder. Tyler turned around to see his mother standing in front of him, her hand outstretched, her expression expectant.

Tyler groaned, "C'mon." He moaned, exhaling and putting his phone in his mother's hand.

"I didn't even do anything!" He could have sworn he heard Zack giggling behind him. Tyler was so tempted to just turn around and strangle him right then and there.

"Didn't do anything? Tyler, you shoved your brother. He almost hit his head on the floor!" Tyler bit his lip and slouched over, he didn't know he shoved Jay _that_ hard.

"I'm sorry." He sighed, placing his hands in his pockets.

"Don't tell me you're sorry." She said, her voice high. She motioned her head towards the living room and Tyler headed over there.

"What are you smiling about? You're not innocent either. Hand me your phone." He heard his mom yell at Zack. Tyler laughed while he walked into the living room. He apologized to his little brother who just simply hugged him and then went back to focusing on the television.

* * *

When everyone was settled into bed that night, Tyler decided to sneak out. He was surprised by the thought but he needed a break from his family again. Usually he would write to calm his nerves but in all honesty, he just wanted to feel the breeze that came with the night.

It was actually chilly when Tyler walked out the front door instead of climbing out of his window. He pulled on a black sweatshirt and looked up at the sky. It was clear with the little specks of stars littering the dark blue canvas. The moon being a tiny silver circle lighting up his neighborhood.

The streets were cracked and Tyler enjoyed the sound his sneakers made when they collided with the broken pavement. He wished he could do this more often but sneaking out wasn't exactly a healthy hobby. But tonight, that didn't seem to matter.

He wished Josh were here. But he wished even more to have his phone so he could text him all night. Josh seemed to always be awake at all hours of the night. Tyler wondered how he did it. Tyler also wondered if Josh snuck into the music store at one in the morning just to play the drums until he couldn't feel his hands anymore.

But Tyler breathed out and walked until he was at the elementary school Jay goes to. The Joseph family only lived about five minutes away from the school.

There was a basketball court and a bin filled with all sorts of sports balls. Tyler contemplated shooting hoops but he felt like he's done enough already. Plus his body was relaxed. He felt calm.

So he made his way to the playground.

Tyler slipped past the gate. The playground was so small. So innocent. Tyler wished he could turn back time to these days. The good, old days. But he also liked being a teenager at times. He didn't like the mental illnesses brought upon him but he likes how much knowledge he has and how much more freedom he has as well.

Tyler made his way to the tire swing that he himself used to play on when he was little. He sat on it, it actually wasn't too small for him. Three kids could fit on this contraption.

Tyler swung slowly, his hands growing chilly from the metal chain he was grasping. He closed his eyes and let the moonlight wash over him as he began to hum a melody to that song kitchen sink he wrote.

"Go away." He whispered to no one.

"Leave me alone." He sung a little bit now. His voice moved with the rustling trees by the school's entrance. Tyler ultimately felt powerful in this moment. This song was coming together piece by piece in the quiet. And he was so grateful for it.

But like everything else in his life, the silence ended. He heard people laughing and there were several pairs of shoes crunching leaves.

Tyler also heard the fence clank as people began to climb over it. With slight panic, Tyler looked behind him. Running towards the playground were a group of four guys. Tyler didn't know who they were but they sounded like animals screeching throughout the night. Tyler's anxiety began to stir.

In the heat of the moment, he jumped from the tire swing and slowly crept out of the playground. He could hear the group of boys rounding the corner.

He took a step to run but someone stopped him.

"Who's there?" They called out. Tyler felt a painful ache of recognition when the voice spoke to him. He just stood, his back turned as he breathed slowly, trying to calm down. He just wanted to get back home.

"Are you high? I asked who's there." The voice demanded, he could hear a footstep come closer. Panicking, Tyler turned around. There, in the clearing of the moon, he saw Brendon Urie with his stupid friends.

"No way. Tyler Joseph? What the hell are you doing here?" Tyler was taken aback by his rudeness but he also wasn't surprised.

His mouth felt dry.

"I was just going home." He mumbled.

"Oh, really now?" Brendon sneered.

"He probably waits here until the early morning, scoping out little girls to molest." One of the other guys said. Brendon barked out a laugh that sliced right through Tyler.

Tyler did his best not to let his voice shake, "That's disgusting. I would never. I was just leaving."

Brendon grabbed Tyler's hood as soon as he turned around, choking Tyler. "Stop!" Tyler coughed, yanking his way out of his sweatshirt.

"What? We're just playing, man!" His other friend yelled, they all snickered. Tyler just backed away, contemplating whether it'd be safe to run. His heart was beating so fast, his mind flying in a million different directions. Of course fate would do this to him. Of course he had to be in the same presence as Brendon Urie at night. Alone. Where he could hurt him. But was he actually going to hurt him? Tyler wasn't sure. Brendon didn't have reason to. But Brendon was also half popular, half bully. He could throw a punch and be deemed innocent by anyone who sucked up to him.

"Well I don't want to play your stupid games. Can you just give me my sweatshirt and I'll leave you alone?" Tyler tried to sound bitter and mean. He wasn't very intimidating which made him even more scared. But he cautiously held his hand out expectantly.

Brendon looked taken aback this time.

He faked a gasp, "Wow, Tyler, I didn't think you could be so rude!" Brendon's friends began to laugh.

Someone else shouted at him, "I like this sweatshirt. I think I may keep it."

"Whatever." Tyler mumbled, he turned around this time. He decided he wasn't going to run. Even though he was fast he was outnumbered. Plus all those guys played football, they could easily just hop on him and strangle him until he was almost dead and then just leave him. Tyler squeezed his eyes shut, the anxiety making his brain switch into nightmare mode. The organ in his chest beat painfully against his ribs. It was becoming harder and harder to control his breathing.

"Hey, we weren't done." Brendon grumbled, wrapping a muscled arm around Tyler's neck and then yanking him until Tyler ended up on the ground. The air left his lips with a squeak and he could barely swallow. He kicked his legs and tried his best to punch Brendon's forearm to get him to release his grip. He couldn't breathe. He was full on panicking now.

"He struggles like a worm!" Someone laughed. Tyler was sweating now. He could breathe a little bit but there was no way he was able to break out of this chokehold on pure adrenaline without breaking his neck.

While Tyler struggled on the floor, Brendon squatted down, his stupid face leaning over him as he smiled sadistically. Tyler used this moment to let his fear kick in. On instinct, he jammed his fist into the side of Brendon's left temple as hard as he could. Brendon cried out and let go of Tyler's neck. Tyler jumped up but Brendon grabbed his ankle. Tyler tripped over his hand, his arms crossing over his chest in an attempt to soften the blow as he collided with the grassy ground. He let out a gurgled grunt.

Brendon's friends were too preoccupied with helping Brendon and Tyler was thankful for that.

"You fucking low life piece of shit." Tyler wasn't even phased by his words. Brendon's opinion on him meant nothing. Brendon was the low life. Tyler needed to get home before he got himself killed.

Tyler was able to scramble from Brendon again but Brendon leapt on him, straddling his hips as his fist collided painfully into Tyler's cheekbone. He cried out, black spots cascading his vision. His cheek was tingling, the skin burning and pulsing.

One of Brendon's friend's held down his left arm but Tyler was able to use a medium sized rock to throw at his other friend. Tyler suspected the fourth dude got the hell out of there.

Tyler threw the rock at the kid, getting him right in his forehead. Thank God he had aim.

Brendon didn't even seem to notice his friend in pain as he landed a punch in Tyler's side. The air left Tyler's mouth again but it didn't hurt. He was weak by this point. He contemplated on just giving up and letting Brendon beat him to a pulp. But Tyler knew he wouldn't give in that easily. Anxiety or not, he never gave up. And he was determined to get home to his family unharmed. They didn't deserve to be burdened by him again.

Eventually, Tyler was able to wiggle his knee through Brendon's leg since he was skinny. It took a lot of effort but he eventually pushed his knee roughly into his crotch. Brendon hissed and fell over. Tyler then swung his right fist into the face of the guy holding his arm down. He didn't even bother to look back as he snatched his sweatshirt and began running.

He ran all the way through the basketball court and the parking lot, his side was cramping from the punch and Tyler found it hard to breathe. His cheek also felt swollen but he didn't care about anything of that in this moment. He heard footsteps racing behind him and distant utterances.

But running hard and fast like this brought him back to yesterday when he ran out of Guitar Center. How Josh called his name. How Tyler just abandoned him. Tyler was always running from his problems.

But this was an exception. Running from being beaten and running from being in pain were two completely different scenarios. But Tyler still felt guilty about running from Josh. He felt guilty for even sneaking out. He didn't care about himself. He didn't care about hurting himself or being hurt by someone else. All Tyler was focused on was not ruining the people around him. He was such a burden. A stupid failure. A crappy song writer. A broken person.

And while Tyler ran down his street and made his way back into his house, he felt helpless and frustrated. He knew he beat Brendon and his friends in that small mini fight but he was totally freaked. He knew anyone would be but now, he realized, he ruined his life. School this year was going to be hell because of Brendon. Nobody bullied each other directly anymore and that made the situation seem so much scarier.

All Tyler wanted was for everyone to be happy without bothering him. He wanted everyone to go away. He wanted everyone to leave him alone.

The frustration was building up more and more as well when Tyler climbed the stairs in his house. He was sweaty and in pain, why was he too much of a coward to end that suffering and make everybody else relieved that his existence was silenced. Why was he still here? His mere being made someone angry enough to want to hurt him. He just needed everyone to go away. He just needed to be alone.

But as Tyler pressed an ice pack to his cheek and wrapped gauze around his side, he was struck with a thought. He went into his room and opened the window, climbing out onto the roof.

He stood up, his abdomen burning with protest. A tear slipped from the corner of his eye as he stared up at that moon that wasn't so peaceful and beautiful anymore.

He looked up at that dark blue canvas and screamed louder than he did when he performed in front of Josh.

His throat tore itself open as he screamed four words desperately to no one, "Don't leave me alone!"


	13. The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, hey... it's been awhile. I'm so sorry for not updating!! School has started and it's literally been draining me so much. I have no clue how long this chapter will be since I have heaps of homework but I'm just happy to be updating. I miss this story a lot. And also, happy October!

Tyler got his phone back the next morning. He woke up to it on his bedside table. He sat up too quickly, his side burning. The fight with Brendon last night seemed unreal. Tyler wished he could fully understand why Brendon and his friends jumped him. Tyler didn't do anything wrong. They probably just wanted to pick a fight. Stupid jerks.

Tyler anxiously checked his phone. There were texts from Hayley... and Josh. Tyler's heart sped up with pace as he quickly unlocked the device and read Josh's message. Tyler breathed a sigh of relief knowing that him and Josh were okay again. The message wasn't long nor was it extremely kind. It was just enough Tyler thought.

* * *

It was Saturday. Only a week until school started.

Tyler began writing his name in sharpie on the colorful binders amidst his bed when his phone buzzed.

Hayley: bonfire tonight?

Tyler: seriously? I was hoping you'd forget about that :p

Tyler always felt weird using emoticons.

Hayley: well this is one of our last FREE Saturdays and I'm pretty sure im going to be out next weekend so tonight it is. I know ur not doing anything so don't even try to pull any shit with me.

Tyler: sometimes I really hate you.

Hayley: no u don't. hows everything with josh?

Tyler didn't know how to respond. Nothing seemed to be wrong. But they were also apologizing over text which pretty much defeats the purpose of closure in Tyler's opinion.

Tyler: he accepted my apology and I accepted his. I think we're good now.

Hayley: :)

* * *

When noon rolled around, Tyler practiced some piano. He wasn't really in the mood because he was feeling sad for some reason. As he sat in his bed and looked down at those shiny keys, he thought to himself how there were so many other starving musicians more talented than him.

Tyler thought of himself as a sad, anxiety-filled kid who put emotion into lyrics that only made sense to him. And that deemed as meaningless in his mind. Who would care about lyrics only he knows about? He guessed it kind of defeated the purpose of music.

He thought back to the day during the summer in July when he watched a Christian band perform on stage. He knew from that moment, he wanted to take a leap of faith with music. And despite the painful weights of doubt and insecurity claiming his head, he closed his journal and put the piano away. He knew he just surrendered a battle and he was cursing himself for it. But Tyler knew he needed to distract himself away from his dark mind so that he wasn't all mopey at the bonfire. Nobody liked a depressed person. Or so Tyler thought.

* * *

An idea struck in Tyler's mind as he watched television downstairs.

With his heart beginning to quicken its rate like it always did at random moments, Tyler unlocked his phone with shaky fingers. He pulled up Josh's contact and began to type.

Tyler: are you home?

Josh: what?

Tyler's face burned with embarrassment. He didn't realize how utterly weird that sounded.

Tyler: sorry if that sounded totally creepy. I mean to say, do you want to meet up with me somewhere? I want to talk.

The red hot burning spreading across Tyler's cheeks didn't cease to fade since his social skills were pretty much nonexistent. He literally sounded like a dramatic teenage girl trying to see her boyfriend after a fight. His hand felt ice cold when he slapped his hot forehead.

Josh: don't worry it didn't. and sure. I know where you live so do you want to meet near kale?

Tyler: yeah. I'll head there now

Tyler locked his phone and told the whole house he was going for a walk. Thankfully Tyler's parents weren't home and Zack was preoccupied so no one really questioned the large lump on his cheek. It was pretty much gone now since several days passed since the fight.

Tyler got up slowly but surely and headed upstairs to change into better clothing; a plain white t-shirt and black pants and sneakers. Simple.

His hair was a mess like it always was so he didn't even bother to try and push it down.

He left the house and began to walk down the street.

The sky was cloudy and it wasn't as hot since September was approaching. It wasn't ideal weather to Tyler but it was a nice break from the sweltering heat.

The sounds of Tyler's shoes on the pavement brought back a chill from a few nights ago when he was walking to the elementary school. The sound wasn't so soothing anymore. The cracks in the roads were like death traps now.

Tyler just stuck his hands in his pockets uncomfortably and walked onwards. __

* * *

After a few minutes of walking, he saw the infamous pink hair as he rounded the corner to Kale street. There was a little intersection where Tyler's bus stop was. Josh was standing there.

Tyler sucked in a breath as he tried his best not to admire that dumb red snapback all the way down to his tattered grey converse. Tyler hated that he liked Josh. Especially so quickly. He didn't care about the fact that he was a guy. He just liked him. He wanted to know what Josh thought about and what his other interests were. He wanted to hug him and stare into his stupid eyes. He hated that they were both males and could probably not be together. He hated the unknown fact of Josh's sexuality. But what he hated even more was the weak denial Tyler tried to come up with to convince himself Josh wasn't straight when it was so obvious he was. It hurt Tyler more than he knew when he really thought about it.

Josh paced around the street sign and looked up when Tyler stepped on a branch. He smiled weakly and Tyler thought his heart was going to combust.

"Hi." Tyler said shyly.

"Hey." Josh responded back in the same tone.

"I-" Tyler started.

"List-" Josh also started. They both laughed easily at the interruptions. For some reason, that broke all of Tyler's nervous tension. And plus hearing Josh's laugh made him feel warmer than he already was.

"I'm sorry." Was all Tyler said, his smile disappearing but his eyes kind and apologetic. Josh closed his mouth as well, moving his lips slightly and nodding.

"I am too." Tyler felt a cold sweat break out onto his forehead. There was no reason for Josh to apologize.

Without warning and without the immediate process of overthinking, Tyler spoke with one deep breath, "You have no reason to apologize. I just freaked because I've never performed in front of anyone before. And like, that song is really meaningful to me. I wasn't expecting such a reaction to come out of me. I'm just a mess and I just hope that what happened doesn't ruin our friendship." The words just kept spilling out. Tyler was never usually this open but he felt so bad for making Josh feel worried and upset. He just wanted to get his point across.

Josh didn't look taken aback or confused. He just listened intently to Tyler. Tyler's eyes skimmed the ground when he was done.

Tyler looked up when Josh didn't say anything. A small smile, barely there, made its way across the lips of the older boy. He opened his mouth to speak.

"Well I'm just going to apologize anyway for kind of pressuring you to play for me. And that "freak out" was more powerful than weird, Tyler. Honest. I could tell the song was true to you. I'm glad I got to see it. Whatever happened the other day doesn't matter now. It's just gonna make us better friends." Tyler broke out into a fully-toothed grin. Josh chuckled and held out his hand. Tyler took it and shook his hand, laughing. His hand was soft. Tyler thought it would fit perfectly in his. But he let go.

He wished he didn't have to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh writing this chapter made me feel so happy. I know it's not my best but I feel good writing again so I'll try and update more often. Thanks for reading!


	14. Update

Guys!!!! I haven't updated this story in months and I'm so sorry about that. I always got e-mails about kudos and comments but I never really looked back on this. I just re-read these chapters again and I truly miss writing this story. I want to update again. I really do. Summer just started so I have all of this free time now. And I was also pretty distant with Twenty One Pilots for a little while but I was being stupid because this music means more to me than anything. Please let me know if you want me to update because I truly will. If I get at least five comments, I will!! I hope no one forgot about this story because I never truly did. I have big plans for the bonfire scene so please stick around if you can. I'll give this a few days for people to see so if you still want to read, PLEASE comment because I'd love to update again!! -Jenna 


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